Thanks to promotion, Aston Villa’s players are free of hell

A few years ago your intrepid reporter (myself) was able to break a horrifying story involving Aston Villa FC and its players. We discovered that Villa’s players were locked in a virtual prison. A hell-jail created by EA Sports and named FIFA 18.

While no torture was reported - we saw enough from their facial scars and disfigurements. While some players, like Ahmed Elmohamady and James Chester seemed fine, others like Jack Grealish and John Terry weren’t as lucky.

Of course - it was assumed this treatment was confined to the hellscape of FIFA 18, but no - FIFA 19 continued the punishment a year later. This development was reported by Aston Villa FC itself:

John McGinn, Aston Villa star and a new ‘inmate’ had been so shockingly beaten during confinement in FIFA 19 that he had become a flesh puppet. Skin so bruised and swollen that his avatar looked as though it had eaten itself. A Scottish Super Trunks, training to the point of muscular deformation in the hyperbolic time chamber. A young player dipped and deep-fried in the pulsing nuclear core of Chernobyl RBMK Reactor 4 to be served to the masses.

A truly sad sight to see.

Thankfully, there is hope. Aston Villa’s promotion to the Premier League has not just secured football at the highest level for the club, but also a form of healing. The players will be granted the privilege of ‘facial scans’ in FIFA 20 that may heal the long term damage caused by years in the ‘footballing wilderness’.

Has too much damage been done? It’s hard at this point to tell. We’ll have to wait, and pray, for the Autumn/Fall period.

Fingers firmly crossed.