The Villa Week #7: Steve Bruce’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Are you sure you’re capable of keeping up to date with Villa. To be blunt, I don’t think I am. I’m using this column as a learning exercise. Can James Rushton digest everything that happened to Villa in the last week? The answer - maybe, and this column is my test.

I would very much like to start off this column by talking about Aston Villa’s promotion hopes.

There.

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This week in automatic promotion

Aston Villa are no longer getting promoted automatically from the Championship.

Unless Villa can mug Cardiff in the back streets of Birmingham, leaving a newly-toothless Neil Warnock speaking at the phantasms that have left him in the dust, then they aren’t getting that 2nd place position. It’s impossible. Don’t hit me.

Please.

No, Aston Villa will have to work like damn dogsbodies and beat two teams over a combined three games to ensure they get promoted.

Do I trust Villa to do that? Especially with an away first leg semi-final to contend with against Tony Pulis’ Middlesbrough? Possibly. I am against spoilers.

Derby

You know when you’re making pasta, and you pour the sloppy wheat into a colander, screaming with steam after it’s boiling, brothy bath? When you’ve made too much and you’re struggling a bit here, it’s a bit weighty this and there’s only boiling water pouring out every damned hole in the colander. All over your hands, and you can’t drop the the colander because, f**k me, you’ve done it over the sink and the sink is full of the rancid dish water. You can’t put your pasta there. This is all happening within seconds as you stumble around, looking for a refuge. You find it, somehow, and swear you’ll plan a pasta placement next time around, but we all know you won’t.

Basically, that’s how Aston Villa vs Derby County went. A massive moment of ‘oh s**t’ before a mad rush, and then relief. We can act like the plan worked out, but after all is said and done, it worked out in an unintentional manner. The result may have been the same as the planned result, but the process? There’s a bit of work to be done there.

It’s Lewis Grabban

Yes it is.

#AVFC

Let us enjoy a momentary interlude to check in on a popular tweet in #AVFC world.

Dan hasn’t been at work in a while. Forklift injury took him out. Jammy bastard has an annual bonus in his contract doesn’t he. Dan, give the bonus to charity mate*. Come on. Be a good sport. Let’s not ruminate on your bonus being unacceptably offered to you in your initial contract. Let’s just think about how you’ve let us all down.

The contract of Ross McCormack is an issue, but it’s not Ross’ issue. Time, as always, manifests itself as a circle via this tweet, and Villa fans will always, always, blame a player for the contract rather than the people who offered the contract.

When are we going to scream this from the rooftops?

“Stop chucking money at chubby strikers, you wankers!”

*Let’s stop telling people to do things with their money when Jeff Bezos is laughing in the face of poverty and building a rocket to nowhere.

Millwall

“Lads, we just need to beat Aston Villa by ten goals and hope Derby and Preston lose if we want to get into the play-offs.”

#strangerthingshavehappened

Villa Youth

The young ones are wrecking things again at PL2 level.

The week for Steve Bruce

Steve Bruce isn’t on to rely on networking, past experiences and repetition. Which is why he’s apparently interested in buying his old talismanic striker, from his old club, to play alongside players he has brought in from his old clubs.

The striker? It’s Abel Hernandez. The rumour? It comes from The Mirror, so you can dismiss it.

Can you imagine the conversation? It’s taken place about four times if you’re Ahmed Elmohamady. The phone rings. Who is it Elmo? Oh, It’s Steve. Pretend you’re bu- oh. You’re doing it again Elmo? Don’t shake your head at me. Put the ph- moving to Hull? It’s only slightly warmer than Sunderland. Oh great, Birmingham? Do we have to follow this ma- don’t remind me of the promise we made. He doesn’t deserve our love, Elmo. What’s that? He’s getting the band back together? When is it actually going to be together though? He’s been getting it together for nearly ten years at three separate clubs.

Still, Abel Hernandez would be a great signing for any club in the lower half of the Premier League and anyone who disagrees with that can meet me, immediately, for a fight.