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Aston Villa are not a vampire-friendly club

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Our club are blood-sucking. This cannot go on.

Whitby Abbey Illuminated In The Run-up To Halloween Photo by Ian Forsyth/Getty Images

Friends, it is my burden that I must annouce that Aston Villa are At It Again.

Despite decent performances on the pitch and hefty work towards generating a feelgood culture off of it, I am sorry to report that our beloved Villa are making it hard work for a certain set of Villa fans to attend games.

Yes. The club’s latest indiscretion is towards our nocturnal friends, the vampires.

In an interview on the official site, Aston Villa’s Operations Director Ian Dimmock had the following to say when asked about a new playing surface at Villa Park”

“The new irrigation system also uses very sophisticated UV, which kills bacteria before it gets to the pitch. If you have ever experienced a strong smell around Villa Park that’s because currently we have to spray garlic on to the surface to fight bacteria that’s in the pitch.”

This, friends, is what we can describe as problematic.

Previously, our shadow-keen friends could cover up, then hang out in one of four upper-tier stands, before disappearing into the evening. Now, however, with the advent of ultraviolet irrigation, they cannot set foot inside the stadium at all, less they be blasted apart with the light of one-thousand suns. It seems like Ian Dimmock has taken it upon himself to continue the work of Abraham Van Helsing, but let me ask you this, what are Dimmock’s qualifications?

And the Garlic? Spraying the blasted pitch with garlic? After our Vampire pals have already paid out their hard-earned cash for season tickets? What a grave insult. I have taken it upon myself to consult the number one source on all things Vampire - Vampire Dot Com - to learn more about this:

‘To prevent someone from being turned into a vampire it was common to stuff cloves of garlic in the corpse’s nose, mouth and ears to keep out all evil. It was also smeared over the eyes. Also, once they killed a vampire and cut off its head they would then fill its mouth with garlic to keep it from returning.’ - Vampire.com

Yes, you read that right, ‘keep it from returning’. What a way to fill seats, Villa. The use of ‘it’ is not lost on me either. There’s a lot Vampires can’t do already, in fact, here’s a damn list:

  • Can’t eat spicy food with flavoursome garlic
  • Can’t do cool things in the day
  • Can’t partake in rad religious events
  • Can’t enter people’s houses uninvited (no surprises)
  • They have no reflection, so no cool hairstyles

And now, we sadly add ‘attending a game at Villa Park’ to that list. What next? Will they come for the f**king werewolves?