Boy, am I about to make your day!
Aston Villa are terrible at everything - news, youtube and even the thing that they get paid to do and that's play football. I know this better than anyone as I've had to watch my girlfriend fall asleep at Villa Park, the home of prime-time entertainment (Borat should enter stage left here and scream "NOT!").
So that's why I'm bringing you a new series, not to take your mind off of the pitiful Villa, but to enhance your Aston Villa experience so you perhaps don't decide to put your pictures of Dwight Yorke in the oven come May.
The first thing better than watching Villa is probably Daredevil on Netflix, but you're not a nerd, you want action, sports and destruction. No, the first thing I can think of that is better than watching the Villa is watching a, well I think a Russian man, destroying things with a hydraulic press.
First - the transcript of our events. Our hero is of few words, but I'd ask you to note that he is also describing my year as an Aston Villa fan, somehow, without knowing what a Villa is. It's almost as if he's describing my joy at the summer's transfer window before being utterly devastated at the events that actually took place. "I am very confident my Villa will crush the Premier League, let's... see. oh." [EXPLODING]. "Porridge, thanks for watching, see you next season." There you go, Aston Villa's 2015/16 summed up better than any 'journalist'.
Now, for the entertainment. Dim your lights, if you don't have dimmers, please turn your lights off and enjoy.
Man, look at that sucker go! The black puck explodes as if it was Aston Villa's season! So long you enabler of violent Canadian sport! Get outta' here!
That's not all - at the end of the video, a clay spider is crushed and I honestly have never felt as complete as a human being in my 22 years on this earth before I witnessed a man and his wife roar in laughter at the squishing of a clay spider.
I know I just said that's not all, but there's even more. Diving into the youtube comments is also a wonder.
I think that guy gets off on this. Also seems like someone who wants to make a snuff film.
This guy should try being an Aston Villa fan and watching his life getting crushed by a few groups of sub-hundred-pound athletes.
That's all from me, but join me next time on 'Things better than watching Villa' as I strap on a go pro and lie in my vegetable patch for four months.