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50 Aston Villa jokes (no not this season): We’re sorry in advance

Q: How are these jokes like an Instagram post? A: They've got #NoFilter

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The following is a list of 50 Aston Villa (ish) jokes ("jokes"?) that I came up with. I made one rule to myself: no joke is too bad. Thus nothing was cut. I apologize in advance for what is about to happen to you.


Q: Who has the greenest thumb on the team?
A: Gary Gardner

I heard Aston Villa are starting a wine-making affair. Going to call the first batch "It Must Be"

Q: What’s Sherwood’s favorite drum?
A: The Tim-pani.

Once he left Villa, our former manager decided to start a kindling company. He’s calling it Tim’s sure-wood!

Q: What’s the favorite form of poetry of claret and blue faithful?
A: The Aston Villa-nelle.

Q: Who is the biggest fan of Halloween on the team?
A: Scary Gardner

What’s it going to take to play midfield Jordan? Does he have to Veretout his own horn?

Villa's right-back is an incredible pianist. You should hear him play Mussorgsky’s "Hutton Fowl’s Legs."

Villa fans wish we could see Joleon Less-cot.

Q: Who on the team is most in need of a shave?
A: Hairy Gardner

Q: Why can we always hear what our captain has to say?
A: Because he’s always got his Mic-ah on.

Ever wonder what happened to those rumours about Dennis Praet? Turns out he p-Aston Villa.

Man 1: Boy, our central defenders sure are loud!
Man 2: It’s not Micah, you’re mostly Hearin’ Clark.

Q: Which member of the team is best at getting you across a river?
A: Ferry Gardner

ITK #1: You hear about the new range that our owner bought for the club kitchen?
ITK #2: Yeah, they’re going to call it the Randy burner.

Aston Villa’s owner is going to leave the club because it’s not in his own personal interests as a rational self-centered figure. He’s basically become Ayn Randy Lerner.

The Villa team store are selling plush toys that look like players now. The first one was the Rudy Gestede-bear.

Tim Sherwood do well to pick better players.

Q: Which member of the team can make sure you get to the ball on time?
A: Fairy Gardner

Jordan Amavisa, he’s everywhere you want to Amabesa.

Someday, if he plays for Birmingham City, are we all going to say that Carles took a Gil turn?

Q: Which Aston Villa player has been known to take in refugees?
A: Sanctuary Gardner

If Rémi Garde plays Kozák will we call him the Great Libor-ator?

If Scott celebrates too much after a goal, is he guilty of one of the seven deadly Sinclairs?

When Randy Lerner brought the Okore to the team, he apparently said "You’re my-res Okore, now!"

A hard rain’s a-gonna fall, and Adama’s a-gonna break.

Q: Which member of the team does best in the darkest days of winter?
A: January Gardner

Johnson: I wish we could start playing the young kids more.
Alexandra: Why are you always rushin’ Hepburn-Murphy?

Gabby: I bought one of those little copper bracelets to help my blood flow.
Jordan: You realize those don’t do anything, right? Who got you to buy it?
Gabby: Lewis.
Jordan: Ah, that makes sense. That boy Kin-sella anything.

Q: Which team member loves brackish water the most?
A: Estuary Gardner

So a man went out hunting one day. He was looking for deer and he had all of the latest gear. A great rifle, fantastic camo, and the best possible place to sit and wait. But then he came to a river and realized that he had no way to get everything across. Thanks to his gear, he could wade and get most of it and be fine. But the hideout had no chance of making it across. In a sudden moment of devotion, he dropped to his knees and prayed. "Please, Lord, let me get this to the other side. If you can just get this across, I can do the rest of the work myself." In one of the greatest miracles of all time, a small boat appeared, with God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost holding oars. God smiled at the hunter and said "put it in here, and we’ll take care of it for you." The man, struck dumb with awe, mutely put his piece of equipment into the boat and watched as the Trinity Rowed Stand across the river for his hunting pleasure.

What do you do when all of the first-choice centre backs are injured? Why, take Elvis’ advice, of course! Return to Senderos!

Whenever Aston Villa fire a manager, I hear that they re-heat a special meal in the club kitchen: K-Mac and cheese.

Pick-up lines guaranteed to win you a date with Aston Villa: Is your goalkeeping coach a baker? Because you’ve got nice Bunn!

Q: What did the fiancée of the young Aston Villa midfielder want to do?
A: Marry Gardner.

Q: What do the valets in B6 look forward to doing every match-day?
A: Villa Park-ing.

[NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS A WEST BROM JOKE] I joined an early music ensemble the other day. The director is some Welshman named Tony Pulis (no relation). Since I was the first one to arrive I got my pick of instruments. This is the Best Shawm, which I’ll be on.


Aston Villa had a match against Birmingham City, and their former and beloved chairman Deadly Doug was in attendance. After gladhanding on the concourse for a bit, Doug missed the first few minutes. Just as he was about to head to his seat, a club spokesman, realizing that things had been tough lately, asked if he wouldn’t mind rousing the crowd a bit by staying on his feet for a bit when he got to his seat. "It’ll do wonders for the spirits of the crowd, and their roar will spur on the players," they said. "Well, I’d rather not. I’m getting old, you know, and standing for too long takes a lot of work." The spokesman thanked Doug and grabbed an assistant. "You, you’re fast. Doug’s going to take at least five minutes to get to his place since he has to say hi to everyone, so I want you to go get some tacks and put them on his seat." "Why would I do that?" asked the baffled assistant. The spokesman smiled, "Because if he won’t do it of his own volition, we’ve gotta find some way to make Doug Ellis Stand."

Q: Which Villa player has the most Christmas cheer?
A: Merry Gardner.

I hope that once the holiday season rolls around we make a little trough for our new midfielder to sleep in. Nothing like a Gueye in a manger at Christmas.

Of course that’s nothing compared to Tim Sherwood’s favorite Christmas: singing "Oh come, Oh come Emmanuel."

Do you suppose our new manager calls his paycheck his Rémi-ttance?

Sebastian: Have Villa taken up fencing?
Jøn: Why?
Sebastian: Says here in the paper that all of their decision making in on Garde.

Q: Which Aston Villa player really has the supporters’ trust?
A: Fiduciary Gardner.

Donald was a clumsy man. He’d stumble all the time, and more often than not it would result in some sort of an injury. A broken bone, a sprained ligament, or merely a big bruise. He went to his doctor to figure out why all of this was happening and put up with a rigorous battery of tests. A few days later, the doctor called and said, "I can’t find anything wrong with you. Your inner ear is fine, so balance isn’t an issue. You don’t have acute narcolepsy or anything. I’m starting to think it just might be everyday stress combining to make life Hell. Why don’t you just get out of town for a month or so?" Donald thought this was a good idea, and called his travel agent to find somewhere to stay. They recommended a nice little house in the hills of Tuscany, so Donald gave them the go-ahead to fill out all the paperwork. Unfortunately, when the agent mailed Donald the necessary papers and keys for his month away, they also included some internal memos, including the cover letter for his file, which read, simply, "Glass Don: Villa."

Q: Which football team tried to court Belle but got beaten back by a beast?
A: Gaston Villa.

Q: Which Aston Villa player is one of the 20th-centuries best sports writers?
A: Gary Lardner

After the Jordan Amavi injury news, word has come out that Villa have invented a new type of bubble-wrap to protect their players. They’re calling it RémiGuard.

When will this article Holte End? Because I cannot North Stand it any more.


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