For the longest time, Villa haven't been a fun football team to write about. They certainly haven't been a fun football team to follow. But all of that is about to change. When Robert gave us free reign to write creatively about the least creative team ever, I initially struggled. How can you inject any sort of joy or amusement into a team that, at that point, were the embarrassment of the league? (Note: This was back in the dark days of the Sherwood era, prior to the gift that is Remi Garde). So here's what I did. Instead of writing about Villa players, I used their names to write about things that had absolutely nothing to do with the club, or even football.
You'll notice not every single player got a scene. Some Villans either A) just don't have good names for anagrams or B) have so many anagrams it would take years to sift through them all. There are a little under 94,000 anagrams for Philippe Senderos. Sorry Phil, but I'm not going to look through every single one of those for something I find funny. On the other hand, poor Libor Kozák can't even get an appearance here, because his name has no anagrams. He can't catch a break.
Rudy Gestede - Dude Gets Rye
Store Clerk: Can I help you find anything sir?
Frat Bro: Uh, yeah, here's a question, why doesn't this place have my FREAKIN RYE?!
*Frat Bro starts throwing bread off shelves*
Store Clerk: Oh, uh, I'm so sorry sir, it's my first day, do you usually get ry-
Frat Bro 2: Yeah, dude gets rye on the reg.
Bradley Guzan - Bared Lazy Gnu
Wife Gnu: I'm worried dear. You just sit around all day with no clothes on.
Husband Gnu: I am who I am. Don't try to change me, Carol.
Tiago Ilori - Ilia Go Riot
Ilia: Mom, can I go to the riot tonight?
Mom: I don't think that's a good idea.
Ilia: Dad, can I go to the riot tonight?
Dad (already on his way out the door to the riot): Ilia, let's go riot.
Idrissa Gueye - A Disguise Rye
Store Clerk: It's not exactly what you're looking for, but we have a similar type of bread over he-
Frat Bro from earlier, still visibly upset: IT'S JUST DISGUISE RYE! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT TRICK BY NOW?!
Scott Sinclair - Talons Critics
Neighbor: So what do you do for a living?
Larry: Oh, I make birds self-conscious about their feet.
Larry: I'm a talon critic. (Boooooo)
Charles N'Zogbia - A Bachelor's Zing
I mean, this one practically writes itself.
Leandro Bacuna - Bacon Ad Unreal
Pig 1: Did you see that bacon ad on T.V.?
Pig 2: Yeah, was that Dave?! I just saw him a few days ago. Such a shame.
Pig 1: I know. Unreal.
Gabby Agbonlahor - Aha Angry Bob Blog
Stranger cuts in front of Bob in traffic: Aha!
Bob angrily takes out his phone: Oh that's definitely going on my blog.
Alan Hutton - Ha Talon Nut
Bird 1: Ha, here comes Larry.
Bird 2: Who's Larry?
Bird 1: He's some weird talon nut.
Larry: Your talons aren't sharp.
Bird 2: Yeah, okay, whatever.
*Later at home*
Bird 2, crying and sharpening his talons: WORDS CAN HURT, LARRY!
Ashley Westwood - Washed Towels Yo
Dad: We're out of washed towels, yo.
Son: I'm begging you guys, stop. Just please, stop.
Adama Traore - A Mad Oar Rat
Rat 1: Why do I feel like we're going in a circle?
Rat 2: We are, you're the only one rowing.
Rat 1, muttering: I hate my job.
Jores Okore - Joker Oreos
Frat Bro: WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO SELL ME THESE JOKER OREOS?!
Store Clerk: Sir, those are hockey pucks.
Frat Bro: YOU'RE RUINING MY SHOPPING EXPERIENCE!
Frat Bro 2: I'm so sorry about all of this.
Lewis Kinsella - Leakiness Will
Jenny: Hey, who's the new guy? He's kinda cute.
Lisa: Oh, they call him ‘Leakiness Will'.
Jenny: Why do they cal- you know what? Nevermind. I'd rather not know.
Gary Gardner - Grander Gray
Interior Decorator: ...I thought you said gray.
Trump: I did. But I wanted a grander gray.
Interior Decorator: ...It's gray. I'm not sure how much grander the color gray can get.
Trump: Just get it done.
Jordan Veretout - Raven Judo Otter
Caroline: Have you met my judo otter, Raven?
Billy: A judo otter? Otters can't do judo, they're too sma-
*Otter just judos the crap out of Billy.
Bonus: Fabian Delph - Flab Pinhead. I believe no further explanation is needed.
If you want to get in on this, head over here, put in a Villa player's name, and let us know what you come up with in the comments below!