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Elon Musk: Please buy my football club

Dear Elon, I wrote but you still ain’t callin’

Mayor Rahm Emanuel Makes Announcement On Express Train Service To O’Hare Airport Photo by Joshua Lott/Getty Images

Dear Elon,

I am writing to you via this platform in the hope that you’ll commit to putting an offer forward for Aston Villa Football Club. The current owner, Dr Tony Xia, must sell the club to secure the short to long-term future of the club.

Why? Well, I am concerned that the current ownership of the club simply do not have the best interests of the community at heart. I do not believe the club is solvent and I believe that staff (playing and non-playing) will have to be sacrificed (not literally but an arrangement can be made if you’d prefer) in order for the club to operate.

I understand that any potential ownership of the club by yourself could be deemed problematic, but I believe there is a good counter argument to be made - if someone doesn’t buy this club, immediately, it’s going to be in a lot of pain. Plus, I’d put you at least one step higher than the current owner on my well respected list of ‘trustworthy folks’.

As a fan of the team and as a member of a vibrant community that is supporting this football club (would your prefer soccer? Let’s call it soccer.) I’d very much like it if you could aim a lot of cash in the direction of Dr Tony Xia in order to remove the club from his grasp. I’m thinking £100 - £150 million might be enough here, because he’s not being fair and won’t take a fair offer (around £50 - £75 million, is the actual worth). I mean, even if you wanted to place a bid in without the intention of buying the club, maybe you could start a bidding war and actually get us bought. That’s a net win, my friend.

I understand that you pledge yourself towards ‘humanitarian’ efforts and I can tell you, sir, for a fact that buying Aston Villa, making it stable and installing some bright footballing minds, would make a lot of people happy. It’s not curing cancer, but it’s bringing smiles to a few faces which if you think about it is good enough.

I realise that this might sell a little bit of my soul. However, for my Aston Villa I’d happily grant you a piece if you would commit to be being a trustworthy owner. Hell, if it meant that you were to buy Aston Villa and operate the club in an honest manner, I’d let you do experiments on me. Let your Tesla chaps develop car legs for me. Shoot me into space. I don’t care. Make a robot midfielder. Put my brain into it, if it needs it. Use me as organic fuel. I’ll be your Soylent Green baby.

There are a number of caveats. Please don’t change the name of the football club. Please do not change the badge. If you must involve ‘The Boring Company’, please do so only as a shirt sponsor. Also, please respect the rights of the workers at Aston Villa. That’d be very cool, it’s just a few red lines. Sound good?

Please write back to me and tell you what you think of this, it would be cool.

PS: We don’t need the sub.