I want whatever Brad Guzan is having

Last night (or early yesterday morning) MLS Champion, former Villa player and current Atlanta United star Brad Guzan conceded a goal. It wasn’t just any goal though, it was this goal:

I’m not sure what has happened, but I have it on good word that the man with (almost) two first names, Brenden Aaronson scored this goal to give his Philadelphia Union the lead against Atlanta United. As mentioned, it’s our old mucker Brad Guzan who is on the receiving end of all of this.

And what a this this is. Watch the clip. Watch it again. Then again. On your very first glance, all is pretty normal. It’s a shot that goes past the goalkeeper. Then you look again. What is he doing? The shot comes, and what? He’s not even off balance, he just stops. He just shuts down. Earth to Brad. Brad.EXE has failed. The Brad screen of death. TFW the heroin hits. Galaxy Brain.

The more I watch, the more I am absorbed. It’s only six seconds, but it feels so agonisingly long. Why is this happening? Did he die? Did he actually die on the pitch? Is Brad Guzan still there? Is this a stroke? If it is, why are we filming and not helping. My god. It’s hideous. If he didn’t mean it, then how the hell did it happen?

You can even see the moment when his soul leaves his body:

It’s like when you’re a kid and you want to play hide and seek or tig with your dad after dinner but he’s too full of potatoes and roast beef and disappointment to do anything with you, so it’s all just half-assed and it’s clear that he’s given up before you’ve even started.

It’s not just the collapse in the goalmouth that makes this video so good, it’s how he collapses as well - it’s so robotic, but so graceful? Like that Boston Dynamics dog that is clearly the forebear of the robotic dogs that are coming to eat our faces. And hell, if he actually meant to give up then it’s six seconds of pure poetry. It’s like when you’re a kid and you want to play hide and seek or tig with your dad after dinner but he’s too full of potatoes and roast beef and disappointment to do anything with you, so it’s all just half-assed and it’s clear that he’s given up before you’ve even started. Yeah, I’m not happy about it but it’s still fucking brilliant, just watching him amble around.

This is Brad Guzan and I want what he’s having. Can you tell it’s the international break?