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Aston Villa: I demand that you let me bring a sword into the stadium

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There is no better man to defend the honour of the stadium and the club than me

Swordsmith Produce Traditional Japanese 'Katana' Photo by Buddhika Weerasinghe/Getty Images

To whom it may concern.

Today, I saw the most uplifting news.

As of today, you are allowed to carry around swords and machetes in open view, in the state of Texas.

I know that this same law prohibits swords and machetes in most bars, schools, colleges, sporting events and blah, blah, blah. However, I am asking you - and the city council of Birmingham - to be the change that I want to see in the world. Me, personally.

I am asking you to lay the platform that will allow me to spend the money I am saving up for a house on a collection of the finest steel blades - knowing in my heart that I can take my awesome collection of daggers, katanas, claymores and (regular) swords to your fabled ground and defend its sacred honour. I believe swordowners, knights of the realm and bladeholders (that includes vampire hunters) should have an open-carry honour bestowed upon them.

I know that there is a danger. I can guarantee you that I am emotionally mature enough to not attack anyone with my Viper Mathusalem Damasco Steel Cocobolo Limited Edition blade. No. I do not wield that, the undisputed king of champagne sabres to sully with the blood of the commoner. Even if Villa go down by four goals, I will not plunge the damascus steel into anyone’s heart or neck.

I believe that you have it in you to create a special pen, for sword holders where we may defend the club’s honour against pesky away fans. There would be no blood shed as we would use blunted blades (although I believe I have perfected my technique to the level where I am able to disarm and not harm). There would be no better feeling than rubbing my sword when you score a fine goal. How mighty that would be.

What’s more, I believe after years of training that I have it in me to help reduce your security costings. I will protect the Villa Park stadium (and the surrounding area) with my collection of sabres and blades. Most of these blades are made in the small town of Maniago. Famous for its production of blades and high quality knives, DO NOT accept anything made in another region as it is brittle and poor.

I truly believe that if gunfire were to open up at your stadium, I would be able to SHUTDOWN the perpetrator and restore order to the ground in SECONDS. With swipes of my steel, I can not only deflect bullets, but cut them in half. We are in a Crowd Control Situation, so that will only create casualties. I have mastered the ocular patdown technique and will be able to better stop threats at your gate.

Yours Faithfully,

A friend

(no seriously my name is Jam-)