Aston Villa 2017-18 player preview: Mile Jedinak

ANNOUNCER: The 7500toHolte Broadcasting System and its affiliated stations present Aston Villa on the Battle for the Midfield - presented by Mile Jedinak.

(CROWD NOISES . . . POLICE SIRENS)

Steve Bruce: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Steve Bruce again, at the Villa Park in Birmingham. Doctor Xia and myself made the eleven miles from Bodymoor Heath in ten minutes. Well, I . . . I hardly know where to begin, to paint for you a word picture of the strange scene before my eyes. Well, I just got here. I haven't had a chance to look around yet. I guess that's it. Yes, I guess that's the . . . thing, directly in front of me, half buried in the midfield. Must have struck with terrific force. The ground is covered with splinters of the shinpads that it must have struck. What I can see of the . . . man itself doesn't look very much like a clean gentleman, at least not the gentlemen I've seen. It looks more like a huge beast. It has the look of . . . what would you say, Doctor Xia?

Tony Xia (Off mic - On Twitter): What's that?

Bruce: What would you say . . . what is this?

Xia: It’s Mile. Bruce.

Bruce: About thirty years of age . . . The growth on the chin is . . . well, I've never seen anything like it. The color is sort of claret. Curious spectators now are pressing close to the man in spite of the efforts of the stewards to keep them back. They're getting in front of my line of vision. Would you mind standing to one side, please?

Bruce: While the police are pushing the crowd back, here's Mr. Terry, captain of the team here. He may have some interesting facts to add . . . Mr. Terry, would you please tell the radio audience as much as you remember of this rather unusual visitor that dropped in your midfield? Step closer, please. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mr. Terry.

John Terry: Well, I was marshaling the back line.

Bruce: Closer and louder please.

Terry: Louder? Pardon me you cheeky fuc-

Bruce: Louder, please, and closer.

Terry: Ok-- while I was on the six yard box and Chester was kinda dozin’ off, that Mile lad was roaring. I thought I was the captain! I mean, I shout, but that? It was something else.

Bruce: Yes, yes, Mr. Terry. Then what happened?

Terry: As I was sayin’, Chester was dozing off and that made me doze off. Then the roar came. I’m a captain, a leader, a legend - but I’ve never heard something like that.

Bruce: Yes, John, and then you saw something?

Terry: No, not at first off. I heard something.

Bruce: And what did you hear?

Terry: A gutteral, Australian roar.

Bruce: Then what?

Terry: I turned my head to the centre, just as they were taking the corner and I swore I was asleep, I must have been dreaming.

Bruce: Yes?

Terry: I usually go to head the ball - I mean, I’m a big fucker - but this guy? He was the biggest fucker. A big, mean, bearded, Australian type of fucker. The kind that the ball doesn’t bounce off, but flees from. This knocked me clean on my arse!

Bruce: Well, were you frightened, John?

Terry: Well, I -- I ain't quite sure. I’m not sure how I felt.

Bruce: Thank you, Mr. Terry. Thank you. That’s quite enough.

Terry: Want me to tell you some more?

Bruce: No . . . That's quite all right, that's plenty.

(If you’re not sure what this was - you need to listen to some classic radio my friend. War of the Worlds - by Wells and Welles)

In all seriousness, you don’t need to know much about Mile. He’s not the best ball player, but he’s a serious threat on the pitch - off the ball. He’ll know when to put a foot in and let others do their thing. Villa don’t win games much without him.