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Joleon Lescott says he’ll start playing well now that Aston Villa are relegated

Oh hey, it's Joleon Lescott talking again after another devastating defeat. This should be fun.

Bryn Lennon/Getty Images

Let's take a trip back in time. To when Joleon Lescott, mere minutes after a crushing home defeat to Liverpool, tweeted a picture of a car. He then followed it up with an apology that said "we didn't try" and also claimed that his butt sent the tweet. It became really obvious that we shouldn't let Lescott do anything that might get to the eyes and ears of fans after matches. Or maybe ever.

But after Aston Villa sleepwalked to a 1-0 loss to Manchester United in a match that ensured relegation, some enterprising journalist decided to ask him questions. And now we've got more examples of "stuff that comes straight from Lescott's a**" after a big loss. Let's take these one at a time. All of the quotes can be found here.

"As an individual I can only take my part in the blame but I don't think it's ever as bad as what people portray in the press."

You've been pretty good at deflecting your part of the blame all season. Like when you decided to threaten fans and challenge them to a fight at Bodymoor Heath. Or when you claimed that your rear end unlocked your phone, opened twitter, chose a picture, and tweeted the picture.

And you play for a Premier League team who have mustered three wins in thirty-four matches. That is exactly as bad as it is being portrayed.

"But we're not going to dwell on that and use it as an excuse."

Oh thank heavens. You're about to own up to how bad you've been.

"We've not been good enough this season and that's why we are where we are."

You did it! This is where you should stop. You've been rubbish this season. Your teammates have been rubbish this season. You tweeted in February that "Liverpool are and were better than us for 90 minutes but that doesn't excuse mine and the teams [sic] lack of commitment for the 90 minutes."

So yeah, we know you've not been good enough. Good interview. Perhaps the first time you've acted like a captain since you've taken that armband.

"The criticism has been a bit of both; warranted and, at times, unfair. Throughout the season we have given reasons for people to jump on us, but there hasn't been so many reasons at times."

Aw crap, you're still talking. What has been unfair about the criticism this year, Joleon? Was it the part where we yelled at you and Micah and Brad and Ciaran and... and... for letting up countless stupid goals? Or was it the part where (and I'm sorry to keep harping on this, but you make thousands of pounds each week so it's pretty damn inexcusable) you openly admitted to not actually working all that hard while playing in front of the fans in a big match against a very beatable (at the time) Liverpool team?

What part of the criticism has been unfair? Was it the criticism of you for tweeting pictures of cars? Or was it the criticism of the fact that you are a wildly ineffective centre back who should have left for the MLS when he had a chance? Show me the unfair criticism, Joleon.

"When things are going well you love it but when things aren't going well it's horrible to be a part of."

How would you know what it's like when things are going well? Have you been sleeping through this season in addition to not actually trying all that hard?

And yes, we know it's horrible to be a part of this. Some of us have shown up for all of the matches.

"It's a tough time at the minute..."

"At the minute." LOL.

"...and we owe it to the club and the fans to keep striving forward."

I don't think "keep" means what you think it means. That would imply that you have been striving forward. Or perhaps it's "forward" that has you confused.

"Eric has come in and done a great job."

Ah, I get it now. You just don't understand what any word means. you see, Eric has done a terrible job. He's afraid that you're all about to mutiny on him. He chooses inexplicable lineups. HE KEEPS CHOOSING YOUR TERRIBLE SELF.

So see, "great" means "good." That means he would have made the right decisions. "Eric has come in and absolutely sh** the bed." There. I fixed it for you.

"It's disappointing but we showed a level of pride and desire today that probably hasn't been there enough throughout the season..."

What was that level? Because I saw zero pride. And almost no desire. Except maybe in the final minutes once Rudy Gestede came on. Which, admittedly, is more than I see in most matches. But that's not enough.

"Now it's been confirmed that we are going to go down, hopefully it's a weight off our shoulders and we can play with a level of freedom and give these fans what they deserve."

Wait. You are. Relieved. That Aston Villa are relegated. You are happy. You can start playing well now.

Why weren't you playing well before? Where was this "freedom" when Villa still had a chance at preventing relegation. You know what's an easy way to relieve stress? Not getting relegated. You want freedom? Play well enough to deserve it.

I've watched you lot this season. You play with plenty of freedom. No manager in the world is so dumb as to tell you to not mark strikers in the box. You made that choice. Over. And over. And over. That is what your freedom brought us. Your freedom, for which you are so excited, is exactly the reason that we're in this mess at all.

"We've got some home matches left and, as an individual and collectively, we're still determined to put performances in to honour the fans."

Again. "Still" implies that you've ever put in a performance to honour the fans.

If by "you" I mean "the team" you have not. If I mean "you, Joleon Lescott" you really have not.

"Of course I want to be part of the battle. I'm here for as long as Aston Villa want me."

Aston Villa don't want you any more. At least the fans don't. If you're around as long as you're wanted, it'll be a sweet relief to not see you play in any more matches this season.

F*** off, Joleon. You're an absolute blight on this club. If God appeared and told me that I could make one personnel change at Aston Villa, I would sack you. In a season where I've come to hate pretty much everything and everyone associated with Aston Villa, you are the thing I despise the most.