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What's your sign? Villa edition

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Villa. Horoscopes. Hard-hitting journalism at its finest.

Villa look to the stars to save their season.
Villa look to the stars to save their season.
Mark Thompson/Getty Images

After the embarrassment that was the Liverpool game, I really couldn't stomach the thought of doing another opposition question and answer. I just didn't have it in me. Seeing how well Stoke have done this season just makes me more depressed about the shambles that is Aston Villa. There's simply no sign of improvement.

Speaking of signs (segues are overrated), instead of putting out a half-hearted Q&A, I spent a ridiculous amount of time analyzing the Zodiac signs and horoscopes of Villa players - since none of us have any solutions to Villa's woes, maybe the celestial bodies above do. I'll be awaiting my Pulitzer in the mail.

Note: I didn't forget Taurus or Capricorn, there simply weren't any players in the immediate squad in those signs.

Aquarius: Adama Traore (Jan 25) & Jordan Lyden (Jan 30)

Everything seems to be at its perfect position with Venus and Mercury both in your sign. They will mark a sextile with Saturn on their way and this will give stability and a good foundation for some new relationships or work issues. Still, your perspective might need some widening, because the time these planets spent in Capricorn left its consequences. Imagine how many different people with different circumstances are there in the world. This should make that needed change in your perception of the world.

What it means: Jordan Lyden seems to be impressing all the right people, and God knows we could use some stability and a good foundation for the future, so that seems legitimate to me. I'm guessing Adama Traore's has changed a little bit since his move from Barcelona. In a way, we're improving him as a person. "In order to grow, Adama, you have to spend time at a truly terrible club to appreciate how well you had it at Barca."

Pisces: Jordan Veretout (March 1)

When the Sun passes your distant ruler Neptune, you might get burned and not understand how or why. If your relationships are tested, don't be afraid to set strong boundaries and choose carefully who is to enter your intimate world. The sign of Pisces can be open to the influence of other people and you should pick them with care. The retrograde movement of Jupiter seems to have a special agenda to interfere with all your long-term goals. Don't despair if you have to replay the same scenarios over and over again. The time will come when you will move from this point and enter the next stage in your life.

What it means: This one is too easy. "You might get burned and not understand how or why" is Tim Sherwood's motto. And that last sentence must hit home for Jordan. "Don't worry son, just make it to the summer and someone will save you from this nightmare."

Aries: Scott Sinclair (March 25), Ashley Westwood (April 1), and Remi Garde (April 3)

You should be used to all the changes by now and in flow with the Scorpio energy that has taken over. What needs to be ended, you will end without difficulty, just be careful to end it for good so it won't come back as soon as Mars enters Sagittarius in a couple of weeks. The first manned space flight was made in April 1961 by the Soviet Cosmonaut, Yuri Gagarin in Vostok 1. If you want to be the first at something big, you need to make the necessary steps, and what better time to do so then this, when you have the door open to start whatever you wish for.

What it means: Well Remi Garde, you definitely should be used to all the changes. Lyon's quite a bit different than Villa, isn't it? Yeah, a Russian went to space. Big deal. Haven't you heard that Scott Sinclair is Villa's leading goal scorer this season. Now THAT'S impressive. Mars will come back and enter Sagittarius in a couple weeks, but the shot that Ashley Westwood just skied is never, ever coming back.

Gemini: Charles N'Zogbia (May 28) & Libor Kozak (May 30)

You must feel truly alive now that the sign of Aquarius buzzed your ruler and Venus is leading the way. The whole world is colorful and beautiful. Use this opportunity to create what you've always dreamed of and implement the ideas you get in your everyday life. The Moon will make a great connection with Venus and Mercury from the sign of Libra this week. This is an excellent opportunity for social gatherings and if you feel like it - to organize a party. Single Gemini could meet someone new, and those of you in a loving relationship are to expect exciting encounters with your partner. Enjoy and don't give in to stress.

What it means: Yeah Zoggers, go on and have a party! You deserve it. You've earned it. Definitely don't give in to stress, we wouldn't want you to have to do any work for those massive wages, would we? Libor, I know your world seems colorful and beautiful, but it's just a side effect of the pain medication. It'll wear off.

Cancer: Micah Richards (June 24)

Weightlessness makes astronauts grow several centimeters during a long mission. This is how you will feel when the pressure of all transiting planets in Capricorn starts to wear off. You might actually have some fun at your job this week, after weeks of hard work and unpleasant relationships you didn't know how to deal with. Stay peaceful for as long as you can. Although the middle of the week could accent some of the untrue relationships you have to deal with, you should have the right words and methods to make everything right.

What it means: THAT'S why he's out of position all the time! It's not his fault, guys! He's weightless! He's trying to be in position, but he misjudges his strides and overshoots by 30 yards or so. We probably owe him an apology.

Leo: Jores Okore (Aug 11), Joleon Lescott (Aug 16), & Leandro Bacuna (Aug 21)

This is not an easy week for Leo. With the Sun in Pisces, progressing slowly until it reaches Neptune just as the weekend begins, you could truly feel lost. Not only is the Sun in this tricky position, but also Venus and Mercury are in your opposing sign. Although this might bring exciting new acquaintances, you will probably have difficulty speaking your mind without some unusual insecurity. It is fine to stay quiet when you feel like you can't speak clearly. If you do feel lost, watch a movie or two, there is nothing wrong with giving your mind some space to wander off.

What it means: "This is not an easy week for Leo". That one's literally for you, Bacuna. I'm sure Jores feels lost all the time. Now, Joleon, I want you to read all that very, very closely and see if you can't learn a lesson from any of it. I even bolded the parts I thought you might be particularly interested in. Be sure to pass that on to the gremlin who tweets from your pocket.

Virgo: Brad Guzan (Sept 9), Jack Grealish (Sept 10), Jordan Ayew (Sept 11), & Aly Cissokho (Sept 15)

While Gemini will have a blast with Mercury and Venus in Aquarius, you are not that lucky when this is where they are. There is almost too much Air around you, and you could feel the need to hide, to put your nose in the first book you reach for and stay in the house for a couple of weeks. Because this will probably not be an option, you have a chance to strongly rely on Mars in Scorpio. It should make your work easy and give you enough energy to deal with any stress that comes your way. Measure your words with care, because you could be a bit more aggressive out of your need to protect yourself from the stressful circumstances.

What it means: NO Jordan, LESS aggressive. LESS. I actually think Grealish is hiding, I haven't heard anything about him for weeks. There's too much air around Aly himself and not enough under his crosses. ZODIAC BURN. Guzan's work as a back-up 'keeper is much easier than his previous job as a full-time "ball from the back of the net retrieval specialist".

Libra: Ciaran Clark (Sept 26), Idrissa Gueye (Sept 26), Rudy Gestede (Oct 10), & Kieran Richardson (Oct 21)

Venus in Aquarius is making you feel so much more confident and happy than you were while it was in Capricorn. That serious frown you've been wearing on your face is finally gone and you can talk, laugh and flirt without restrain. If you are in a relationship that makes you feel tied down, you could feel the need to set free and look for a different partner. Libra is a sign of partnership, togetherness and all our relationships. It is not easy to balance everyone around you while Venus is in Aquarius, so you might as well let go and let others deal with their issues. Enjoy your free time and work as little as possible.

What it means: I've been needing to set free from Kieran Richardson for a long, long time. Poor Idrissa has been trying his best to balance all the awful players around him. Could Clark be getting his chance back in the side? Let Lescott deal with his issues, you go ahead and turn that frown upside down, buckaroo! I'm sure Gestede is feeling tied down...to the treatment table! Heyooooooooooooo. (I'm disgusted with myself).

Scorpio: Mark Bunn (Nov 16)

Solar flares reach temperatures of 10 million °C and have the energy of a million atom bombs. This is how the Sun in Pisces could affect you, giving you and enormous amount of energy, initiated by Mars that has been, building it up for some time now. Scorpio is a sign of nuclear energy and you should be able to take everything the core of the Earth has to offer, in order to accomplish what you want. This is not a time to rely on friends and social encounters could make you feel left out. If you are used to being a weirdo in your relationships, go ahead and enjoy your time with close people.

What it means: Not sure about this one. Even if Mark Bunn could literally harness the energy of the Earth's core, he couldn't have stopped the Liverpool massacre.

Sagittarius: Carles Gil (Nov 22) & Alan Hutton (Nov 30)

It is a dilemma - should you take a vacation and party for 7 days or move with retrograde Jupiter that starts to feel really boring. You have just thought you are headed somewhere, when the situation changed and there seems to be a new found need for you to study or improve yourself in different ways in order to accomplish anything.
Some rebellious choices might be good for you. It was enough of your loyalty, routine and taking responsibility. Now someone else might take over for a while and you could have some fun instead.

What it means: Feeling bored with Villa, Carles? Can't say I blame you. "Some rebellious choices might be good for you" are the words Alan Hutton lives his life by.

So what does all of it mean? Not a damn thing.