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Neil Warnock is a petty idiot and I hate him

Neil is the worst man ever.

Aston Villa v Cardiff City - Sky Bet Championship
Face like a smacked arse
Photo by Dave Thompson/Getty Images

I’m going to preface this prose of pettiness by telling you right now I’ve got absolutely nothing against Cardiff City and I wish them all of the success that this world can hopefully bring to them. Ideally it won’t be under Neil Warnock, though.

Neil Warnock.

Neil fucking Warnock.

I honestly don’t think there is anyone more dislikable in world football right now than Neil F. Warnock. That includes Joey Barton and Diego Costa.

Warnock is currently in charge of Cardiff City, and the Welshmen are doing relatively ok under him. Cardiff came to Villa Park on Saturday and left with no points. Instead of taking the high-ground after this loss, Warnock decided to blame everyone except himself. Most of Warnock’s blame was focused on to Jack Grealish.

"He doesn’t need to do that, he’s a good player. He was saying ‘three, four times, how many more?’ and all that and screaming. I was disappointed with that aspect but that’s young professionals at times, isn’t it?" - Warnock, speaking to the Birmingham Mail.

Let’s get into the meat of this, shall we?

I’m taking Neil Warnock to the cleaners now. The dude isn’t a good guy, and he’s fobbing people off by claiming to be a football manager. Iain Macintosh of The Set Pieces is a better actual football manager than Warnock claims to be.

Neil Warnock looks like he is permanently dressed as Mrs Doubtfire and acts as the character in the manner in which he always accidentally looks like his turned up in the dugout of Random Championship Team #4.

This is a man who is the managerial equivalent of a damn cockroach. He cannot be stamped out of the game under any circumstances. When the nuclear holocaust arrives, he’ll be there, left alone under the rubble of Cardiff. When the ICBM’s have devastated life on planet Earth and left a race of sentient reptilian-humanoid crossbreeds behind, I hope he is swallowed whole by the detached jaw of alpha-male of the group and left to stew in the crossbreed’s digestive juices for a number of years until his husk is used a house by the spawn of the reptilians until they grow and break through his pit of a body, using the remains to play a sport that will teach the next generation of reptilian-humanoid spawn the skills needed to act as a hunter-gatherer in this damned post-apocalyptic world.

The face of a rapidly descending claw hammer onto your screaming face is more attractive than Neil Warnock.

There is absolutely no reason that Neil Warnock should be managing at this level in the year 2016. There are better, younger and less overrated managers at available at almost every single level of the professional game across the entire world. You could quite literally kick a ball into the Arabian Gulf and find a manager better or as equally capable as Warnock.

Warnock is almost one breakdown from sprinting onto the pitch, ‘Tebowing’ before a game, lining up his team with 11 strikers and no goalkeeper, losing 130 - 1 and saying to his fans in the post-match press conference: “Well, it looks like God didn’t want us to win!”

Time to take a closer look at Warnock’s career:

It sounds like we have a man that couldn’t break into the clouds with a Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. A man who couldn’t break through the glass ceiling with a jackhammer and a glass-breaking kit.

I feel as though Warnock’s presence in the professional game is a left-over postmodern promotion stunt by the producers of Mike Bassett: England Manager. This man is clinging onto his career until his last nail breaks off and splinters into his Mrs Doubtfire looking face. The fact that people are pissed off in my country at so-called ‘scroungers’ is a travesty when Neil Warnock walks through the world untouched.

This is a man who lied about Sean Bean to Sean Bean’s face. There IS NO END.

Time to calm down slightly and return to the events of Saturday. Warnock lined up his team of relatively talented fellows and disrespected their talents by asking them to kick the shit out of Aston Villa. Strength is a tactic, but Warnock’s display on Saturday was an outrage. It was condescending to everyone watching the game, let alone the eleven men dressed in blue trying to earn a living from actually playing football.

For Neil Warnock, the goal is to exist in mediocrity. The cost? Anything and everyone.

Jack Grealish is one of England’s most gifted young talents. Jack Grealish is an impressive young footballer. Neil Warnock has decided to aid the development by offering his advice.

“Jack should stop trying to get opposing players carded,” said Warnock.

This is the Jack Grealish who has played fewer games than most players in the Championship, but is the most fouled footballer in the league. For Grealish, diving and play acting is the absolute outlier of his game. The fact is, Grealish gets fouled because managers like Warnock fail to plan for Grealish in ways that are far more creative and effective than ‘kick the shit out of the kid’.

People aren’t learning that this isn’t working. Jack Grealish doesn’t go down quickly, and if he does, it’s because he has been fouled. Grealish has fairly won three penalties this year. That’s three times an opposing team may lose a game because they fouled him. Neil Warnock? He’s a complete and utter idiot. These stats are readily available and should be used. Why? Because Cardiff would be the third team to have fouled Grealish and given away a penalty.

Warnock’s failure to plan doesn’t register on my index of ‘fucks given’, but his next action knocks my index off the wall and pisses on it.

After the game, Warnock confronted Grealish and demanded to know why the youngster was moaning about being fouled (hint: it’s because he was being fouled). This is a 67-year-old man waiting in a tunnel, after the game has finished, for the appearance of Jack Grealish.

This is a man, who can’t deal with failure. This is a man stuck in mediocrity because of his impotent rage at everyone except him.

This is a man, who could have been the Aston Villa manager had Tony Xia been the most idiotic person of all time and given Warnock money.

“I was disappointed I did not get a chance with Villa in the summer if I’m honest, because I thought it would have been ideal to sort everything out.”

That’s like me being disappointed about confessing my love to Cara Delavigne in a handwritten, perfumed note only to never hear anything back.

All in all, Warnock isn’t an abject failure at the game, but his time at this level is done. He’s been shouting at everyone and spending far too much time winding people up to realise he’s achieved fuck all.

And if you happen to read this Warnock, please don’t moan. Sit down, have a cup of tea and think about how to send your team out. You shit bastard.