To whom it may concern-
Greetings yet again! I see that you are trying to find a new Press Officer for the club, and I would like to submit this as my application for the position. I've tried twice before to get a job with the club and have been unsuccessful both times despite demonstrating extreme proficiency and a middling level of competence. You didn't even bother to contact me either time, but I understand that your time is valuable and my application may have very well slipped through the cracks, so I'm willing to be forgiving.
In order for this to be the most efficient process possible, I've gone ahead and copied the responsibilities you listed, put them in bold, and then put my explanation for why I qualify under it. I think you'll find that this saves everyone time.
To act as the official representative of the club, to handle all matters relating to the media, developing good working relationships with them
I've worked with members of the Aston Villa press before, such as the time that we had Mat Kendrick on our podcast. Or Sam Tighe, of Bleacher Report. So I've already got a good working relationship with the media.
In addition, I'm happy to be the official representative of the club. All I have to do is tailor my message to fit a broader audience. Instead of "West Bromwich Albion and Leicester are the absolute worst," I would say, "CLUB STATEMENT: West Bromwich Albion and Leicester are the absolute worst."
To answer enquiries from the press or other media representatives
I'm good at answering questions. We do it every week on the Holtecast. And these are basically questions and answers you're reading now.
To organise and oversee press conferences, media events and promotional activities
Listen, if I can wrangle a bunch of poorly-paid writers into providing wall-to-wall Aston Villa coverage, I can handle a few poorly-paid members of the press. Writers are writers, and as one myself I can empathize with the extreme laziness that we all bring to the job.
Arranging press accreditation
I know how the Premier League handles this: if you're not an old-school ink-on-paper journalist you don't get accreditation. It's absurd, but it will certainly make my job easier. I might even buy (with my own money, no need to dip into Randy Lerner's wallet) a rubber stamp that says "NO" for applications.
Assisting with all pre and post-match media interviews
Pre-match: "Alright, Jack, ask him if he loves Aston Villa."
Post-match: "Alright, Jack, ask him if he's ready to go again."
Assisting in coordinating player's photo opportunities, media events and promotional activities.
I know a guy. Photos and promotion will not be a problem:
Monitoring social media platforms, observing and reporting on social, economic and political trends which may affect the club.
Are you kidding? I practically live on Twitter. As for social trends, you may have forgotten that I run the website that has pushed for supporting the fans while you have... uh.... not responded to our requests for comment.
Assist in writing and distributing club statements, press releases and news reports about the Club
Allow me to submit a sample:
The club wish to make it known that West Bromwich Albion and Leicester City are just the worst. We mean, they're horrible. How can anyone like them? And to think they think they're better than we are. It's adorable. They're almost as bad as Birmingham City. But yes, it is an official club policy now that we hate West Bromwich Albion, Leicester City. These are added to our previous standing hatred of the bluenoses.
Developing media contacts and PR activities
This is getting tiresome. Are you even still reading?
Collating and monitoring media coverage with recommendations on future optimisation
Holy god, could you not fit "synergy" into that list of buzzwords? Regardless, we're a blog that the club don't communicate with often. Half of what we do is collating and monitoring media coverage with an eye to optimisation.
Preparing media evaluation reports
I'm not even sure what you mean by this. Reports on media evaluation? Do we evaluate the media, give them a grade, and then give them a report with our findings? I can't really speak to this. But I could write well enough that what you're looking for becomes clear!
Assisting in speaking publicly at press conferences and media interviews
Okay, so this is odd. I think you mean that I would speak publicly at these events. I can totally do that. I'm an experienced teacher and I have sports broadcasting experience. But if you literally mean assisting in speaking publicly, I suppose I could... uh... set up the dais? Hold a microphone?
Distributing press releases
Again, I'm a teacher. This is pretty much like handing out syllabi on the first day of class.
Keeping up-to-date with all media issues that affect the club
Again, that's pretty much what I do running this blog.
Assisting in generating ideas to gain more media coverage
Oh that's easy. We're going to ape Arsenal's public relations department. Say what you will about the Gunners, but they are really good at making their players seem likable. And given their players, I think that's remarkable.
Anyhow, I think you've gotten a feeling for what I can do. If you want to know more, you know where to find me. I look forward to hearing from you soon and starting at the club at the first opportunity!
All the best,
Managing Editor, 7500 to Holte
PS - My staff and SB Nation have no idea that I might be leaving soon, so your discretion would be greatly appreciated.