Tim Sherwood has already done enough to make himself infamous in the eyes of football fans. Talking about his win-ratio (it used to be second-to-none), taking Villa to a cup final, saluting Adebayor. His antics can usually be seen the world over.
That is of course, if you've got a VPN. Tim's latest incident involved a red-eyed exclusive interview with the BBC. It's only available in the UK, but I won't let that stop the world knowing. I've taken it upon myself to transcribe Tim's interview for everyone.
00:00 - Interviewer
"Well Tim, that looked pretty good out there for you for quite a long time today. After the result, you must've just felt like someone has given you a hefty punch in the stomach..."
Tim does nothing but nod in agreement, his face a picture of sadness - as though he has recalled the time he poured salt into his tea instead of sugar. That taste of sugar that flittered across his tastebuds before being overwhelmed by a torrent of milky-brown bitterness.
00:07 - Tim Sherwood
Tim shakes his head. "Never, I've never felt this bad ever."
00:10 - Interviewer
"Obviously not the time to talk about positives from the game. You know, because you're perhaps feeling the defeat very keenly at the moment - but there was -"
Tim stares at the interviewer as though an utterly stupid question has been asked to a man in his moment of need. it has. The AVFC manager looks thoroughly distressed & on the edge as his brain swells with discontent.
"There was a lot of good play from your team; particularly in that first half."
00:26 - Tim Sherwood
Tim nods. His mind briefly recalls the positive nature of the word good and he almost smiles for a fraction of a second - before he snaps back to reality, realising where he currently is and what has just happened to his team; a bunch of babes clad in claret being tore apart by foxes as their father cried for mercy.
"Yes, yeah. A lot of bad play though in the last half hour."
Tim briefly reflects on the instance within the match wherein he attempted to summon the demon Abizuel from the body of Gabriel Agbonlahor.
00:29 - Interviewer
"Do you feel perhaps this stadium more than any other in the Premier League can change the momentum of a match very, very quickly?
00:38 - Tim Sherwood
"Nah, it's not about momentum - it's about keepin' the ball off of the opposition and we just turned it over stupidly. It was-"
Tim inhales a large amount of air, he imagines himself in a shark cage and sharks with the face of Jamie Vardy are biting the cold steel, wrenching their way in to feast on him. He pauses to reflect on his imagined demise.
00:46 - Tim Sherwood
"What can I say? I'm gutted for everyone that is associated to this football club. So, err, we need to.."
Tim looks to the side, flashes of the banking crisis of 2008 flash to mind. Why did he agree to the Work Less, Earn More scheme? It was a goddamn pyramid scheme. He should have known, he did know - he just needed a shot.
"We need to stop letting in soft goals. They didn't have to work too hard for their goals.
00:56 - Interviewer
"Do you feel as though the team undid some of their good work today?
00:59 - Tim Sherwood
"Totally. Yeah. Who cares if we play well?* We lost the game."
Tim lies waiting to pounce on the interviewer who is about to ask a silly question.
01:04 - Interviewer
"A good moment for Jack Grealish, but lost in the defeat I guess?"
Tim looks incredulous - how many more times must he say that he wants off this mortal coil?
01:10 - Tim Sherwood
"Yeah. Totally lost."
01:11 - Interviewer
"Um, how do you lift the players now? D-do you just leave it for twenty-four hours? Is it quite in the dressing room right now? I presume it is.
Tim internally smacks his forehead onto a mahogany desk for eternity. The mental representation for this interview is that of a rubber boot, stamping onto his chin over-and-over.
01:23 - Tim Sherwood
"Yeah. I would expect it to be. They're as disappointed as I am right now. I think they are, they're a good group."
This comes too soon for Tim. He's on the brink of tears as he remembers the last 'good group' he had - Nabil Bentaleb and Emmanuel Adebayor. They're gone. Gone Tim.
01:32 - Tim Sherwood
"We have to stop the errors unfortunately and sooner, rather than later. We have to go again and we've, you know, got two big derbies coming up and we'll make sure we are right for them next week. No problem with that**."
01:45 - Interviewer
"Even if the errors are cut out Are you encouraged with what you see? It's largely a group of new players you've got here this season.
01:56 - Tim Sherwood
"Yeah, I'll wait to analyse it. It was painful viewing first time around and we where unable to stop them after they got their first goal."
Tim endures flash-forwards of watching Ray Wilkins cry over the game footage. There's only so many times he can blame it on Sanchez. Tim can't take anymore. He undergoes a mini-stroke as the interviewer signs off.
02:03 - Interviewer
"Big one next week?"
02:05 - Tim Sherwood
"Yeah, it will be.."
Tim channels George from the Steinbeck classic 'Of Mice and Men' and shuffles off, shoulders hunched to stage right.
- - -
There you have it - Tim Sherwood's 100% totally honest post-match interview with the BBC. I promise I haven't added a thing.
*Writers note 1: I care if we play well because I pay £40+ a damned month to watch them play well.
**Writers note 2: It's almost as if Tim said 'no problem with that' for absolutely no reason.