'Tis the season to be hated. Well, if you're me and the objects of your hatred are 19 Premier League clubs that aren't Aston Vila. I've decided to toss your normal season preview rulebook out the window. Lets say what we are really thinking. I've done Part One, but here's the conclusion to my campaign of hate.
Oh deary me. Norwich are one of the clubs that should be languishing in the Football Conference, but have seemed to have had the good fortune to be Premier League yo-yos. Norwich have ugly colours, a shit badge and are largely forgettable. They can be most memorable to Villa fans as the previous football club of one Paul Lambert.
Imagine deep into this summer's transfer window, a Spanish hotshot gets a phone call from Norwich scouts.
What can they sell this guy on? They are recently promoted, so they've got Premier League football going for them, but what else? I mean, they are kind of near to the seaside, so at least the new signing can flee to mainland Europe. I don't think I'd wish being a Norwich player on anyone, as you already know the result before the season has started.
Best of luck to the plucky bunch anyway. They did have the balls to trot out pub-player Grant Holt, so fair play to them. Also, Steven Fry supports them - which dulls my hate for these boys.
On another note, how can buying a season ticket for Norwich not be a massive scam? "Here guys, buy this expensive bit of plastic and I swear you might see a goal." It's almost like a pyramid scheme. I bet they buy the tickets, go out and make more people buy tickets and the only person getting any joy is Delia Smith. I bet Bernie Madoff is involved.
Direct your hate at: No-one, because this club has no-one worth caring about.
Ah, I can't say a bad word about these guys. They should have been relegated a long time ago, they should have paid the price. For a club who has lost Gareth Bale, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Theo Walcott, Clyne, Lallana and more, they've proven they can mix with the best and keep the flow of prodigies strong.
Aston Villa need to aim to be like this club, and with their recent signings to replace the big losses, they might have a shot at matching them. I hate them because we should be them. Thanks a lot, Lambert.
I won't forget being hammered though. Thanks for the 6-1.
Also Ronald Koeman is a gigantic fuckwit - for no other reason than telling sociopathic manager Nigel Pearson to 'not change', which almost like telling your girlfriend you love her eyes whilst she is bathing in cow's blood. The first thing I'd blood well tell Nigel Pearson is to CHANGE YOUR WAYS. He also hates crazed dutchman LVG, simply for being better than him at everything up to and including lovemaking.
Direct your hate at: The most famous pasta dish of all - Graziano Pelle; enjoy with cheese and pesto.
"But can they do it on a cold night in Stoke?" goes the phrase. "Yes, yes they can." is the answer.
Stoke deserves no special place, it's in the middle of Staffordshire, it's rubbish, it has more pastry shops than needed. It smells of tires. It's been given a football team by Tony Pulis and Mark Hughes that is far better than the place deserves.
So why the exemption? Why is Stoke such a 'hard place to play'? The players aren't the thugs they used to be, they actually play decent football these days. I feel it's all because the Football Gods have taken pity upon the folk of Stoke. All you need to do is embark on a quick google search of Stoke's baying fanbase. (I've actually done it for you.) Note that the word 'Inbred' comes up. It's not a huge leap to make is it?
No, the reason why Stoke is such a 'hard place to play' is because you'll likely leave the city with a lung parasite and a tapeworm.
Direct your hate at: Jon Walters 176 games, 34 goals. What a striker.
Place your pity on Sunderland. Imagine a team so desperate for success, but still failing at every turn. There was also that span of time when they couldn't stop ballsing up attempts to avoid relegation and consistently yo-yoed between the Championship and the Premier League.
There was also the time that they hired faux-fascist Paolo di Canio and replaced him with Gus Poyet and replaced him with Dick Advocaat (Whose name almost means Dick Eggnog). The club cannot be described as anything except an incompetent walking punchline.
Also, what's up with their transfer plans? Do these guys just buy people on a whim? They don't seem to have an idea of how to step forward and seem happy to wallow in misery.
Direct your hate at: The sap they think will lead them to glory.
Uppity Swansea thought they were onto something special until B-Rod left them. Then they capitulated and let everyone they love leave. Scott Sinclair, Bony. It's almost like they are a worse Aston Villa. Git' good, then sell. Swansea fans are probably still catching up after a stratospheric rise to the top of the Football League pyramid. I can't blame them for settling with middle table.
Direct your hate at: No-one really. These guys can't manage the hate for anyone except Cardiff.
If you're an English Spurs fan, your time is usually directed at hating everyone else because your club is irrelevant in the big picture. I've never known a club to be so happy living in someone else's shadow. That's the thing with Spurs, it's like they have to be so defensive about everything to hide their own inadequacies - and that's a lot more noticeable with Sherwood as our manager.
Sherwood got the best out of them the season he was in charge and he just became another figure in their campaign of hate. I've never known a Spurs fan have anything good to say about him. I mean his 59% win ratio is second to none.
It's a consistent mindset as well. Adebayor rumoured to be leaving? Oh, in that case he's the worst player that ever existed, even though he's had two good years at Spurs.
God bless their little hearts, I'd hate to see when Harry Kane leaves. What will it matter anyway? He's an Arsenal fan.
If you're an American Spurs fan, don't worry, I've translated this snippet for you: DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN, DEANDRE YEDLIN.
Direct your hate at: Tim Sherwood, Spurs fans do.
The Pozzo family own three clubs. Udinese, Granada and Watford, which reads like an awful pub crawl. The Pozzo family have managed to almost perfect the Subway-esque franchise model. The Pozzo family will be playing in the Premier League for the first time.
"I don't think there could be a better owner in the world than Gino Pozzo," stated one of Watford's hotshot scouts. If only that fact were true, despite the hundreds of people who own football clubs that run better than Watford. Also, if he was such a good fucking owner, why did he manage his way through four managers in the space of a year? If he was such a good owner, would he have forced the Football League to curb his downright fuckery that showed him taking players from one of his clubs and moving them on-loan to the other? When he was finally slapped on the wrist for doing it, Pozzo simply released the players from Udinese and signed them for Watford, definitely not under gunpoint.
So what's the Pozzo way? You simply sack all the scouting staff, get the new boys to find cheap foreign buys, hope to the lord above that these buys work out and then buy another club to move all your b-string players to. It's like MCFC-lite.
That's the sad thing as well. If Watford achieve any success, it will always fall back onto the fact that Pozzo slinked his way to success. Nothing was earned in Hertfordshire and even if it was earned - I'll always feel uneasy at the manner of the achievement.
Direct your hate at: Pozzo, but be careful - he might have Joe Pesci hidden somewhere to batter you.
West Bromwich Albion:
I hope these bastards boing-boing all the way to the Championship.
Having worked in West Bromwich and the surrounding area - I can tell you that the place is full of sadness and the road network is possibly a euthanasia device and that's if the boring football club isn't.
West Bromwich Albion have a Conference standard name, but have found themselves in the Premier League. The average fan can be heard spurting such relics as "Woi finished abuv yow lot dint woiii, bab." Yes, you did average Baggies fan, but one season does not account for the years of yo-yoing the Baggies achieved.
A small time club, from a small time place - the Baggies under Pulis will become the new Stoke. Please do not take that as a compliment, but at least the Black Country will get the football club they deserve.
Direct your hate at: All of this lot.
West Ham United:
Why the long boat-race? Is it because you're moving up the apple and pears on your jack jones to the fancy Olympic stadium? A place with no relevance, history or atmosphere in the attempt to put a black and green over the mucky face of the club?
West Ham have managed to be the Oliver Twist of the Premier League over the last few years and Slaven Bilic will attempt to become their Fagin and lead them to riches. Of course, this could all end badly and take them back to square one - but let's ride this one out. West Ham might be ont- wait. Wait a minute.
West Ham are owned by the same people that thought it was a good idea to ever own Birmingham City. David Gold, the other one, Karen Brady. It's like a poundland version of The Apprentice.
The Olympic Stadium debacle also spurred my hate on for these bunch. They had the gall to go and boot Leyton Orient out of the Olympic Stadium (which is situated 100 yard from Orient's stadium). Leyton Orient obviously couldn't do a thing and bowed to the pressure, but it's still another case of a big club punting a small club in the nuts and this move could ruin Orient's future fanbase.
I wouldn't wish relegation on the 'Ammers, but I hope they stew in 16th place for eternity.
Direct your hate at: David Gold, his mate and Karen Brady. What a bunch of slimeballs.
Now we're at the end of this marathon of misery, I hope that'll you will realise that this is all tongue-in-cheek (unless you're a Stoke fan, because you might be missing your frontal lobe). It's all a joke and it should be taken in goo- Wait. I've forgotten something..
You guys kill me. Day in, day out.
Villa fans are a fickle bunch, and I swear this is the truth. People cry 'u-turn' at Delph, but every single Villa game I've ever seen has had an opinion change faster than Meek Mill's downfall at the hands of himself.
Aston Villa fans can be heard wondering the streets wondering why on earth they had decided to live this life. They can't stop moaning. One day Carlos Sanchez is the worst man alive, the next he is a hero. One day Gabby is 'Mr Villa', the next someone is saying they wish he was strangled with his umbilical cord. One day Randy Lerner is the hero we need, the next he's the one we deserve because WE ARE JUST THAT BAD. Villa have not got it bad, we've just played badly, we aren't a bad team, but we've just made ourselves look like one.
Stop, wait a minute, calm down and breathe. Aston Villa are now in safe hands, hopefully.
Direct your hate at: Wait, you didn't seriously think I'd fill this part in, did you?