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Villa manager candidate: My five-point plan for getting the club out of relegation trouble

Gun Goat is a heavily-armed, football-managing goat. He can be found on Twitter @GunGoat.

Aston Villa finally did what they should've done weeks ago and sacked Paul Lambert. Despite having already unsuccessfully campaigned for the Villa manager position once, I still believe I am the right man goat for the job. Allow me to lay out my five-point plan for Villa success and hopefully I can convince you and the Aston Villa board.

1. Make the players fear me

This may have been at least partly what Roy Keane was brought in to do, but it's clear that he couldn't do the job properly. My techniques would the get attention and fear of the players. I have a different set of training methods that have been called "tough" and "unethical" and "technically illegal in 17 countries". I can't give away all my secrets, but lets just say it's not attempted murder if it's below the knees.

2. Band the players against a common enemy, the opponent

Villa have 13 league matches remaining with at least one more FA Cup match. If they're going to get any wins out of those matches, they need to band together and develop a hatred for their opponent. From now on, the training ground staff will wear the opposing team's kit and act really rude to the players. What's that, Christian? No you can't have seconds. Sorry, Jores, the bathroom is unavailable right now, it's being cleaned.

3. Implement innovative tactics on the pitch

I like to think of myself as a manager who's ahead of the curve. I know what formations and systems are going to be the next big thing and I've got plans on implementing them before anyone else will. Some of my ideas include "accidentally" taking out the referee and then hitting opponents with steel chairs while the ref is down. If it works for wrestling, it'll work for Villa.

4. Drones


5. Genetically alter Villa players

It's not that far away until we can use genetics to make our players into a fierce, fighting machine. Literally. We'll turn Christian Benteke into an actual tank.

Or give Libor Kozak an ax.

Or give Gabby Agbonlahor a sword.

Actually that last one sounds like a bad idea, he'll probably end up just hurting himself and his teammates.