clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

If Aston Villa players weren't footballers, what would they be?

New, comment

With relegation looming, some Villa players might want to look for a new career. Let's take a look at their options.

Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images

Have you ever fancied a change of career? Like, suddenly woken up one day and decided you wanted to do something completely different? Like, sometimes with university deadlines looming, I feel like quitting journalism and becoming a train driver or something. Well, I'm sure footballers aren't immune to this feeling, so without further ado let's take a look at some alternate career choices for many of Aston Villa's players. And hey, if things don't improve this season, some of them might actually be looking for a new job soon.

1. Brad Guzan: NASCAR Driver

Brad Guzan is the most American person alive. Period. He just oozes patriotism. I've never seen him bleed, but I'm sure he bleeds red, white and blue. So what would our all American hero do if he wasn't saving Aston Villa with his face?

Something like a firefighter or Eagle keeper would suit big bad Brad, but nothing screams USA to me quite like NASCAR. Driving around in circles whilst people get smashed of Bud Light sounds pretty great, and I'm sure Brad would do an awesome job of it.

4. Micah Richards: Bodyguard

Micah Richards puts his life on the line for Aston Villa on a regular basis, and honestly I'm surprised he hasn't hurt himself yet. But he does it with good reason, the dude is an actual tank. Just look at him:

Hench. Obviously, he would suit a job that required use of his physical presence. An example would be Alex McLeish's bodyguard should the Scotsman ever set foot in Birmingham again.

5. Jores Okore: IT Support

I'm almost certain there's better jobs out there for Jores Okore, but I really just wanted to use this picture:

HE JUST LOOKS SO HAPPY! Plus, me being really cynical here, a desk job would be nice for him after his knee problems.

6. Ciaran Clark: Speech therapist

Ciaran Clark is a good footballer, but he is not a good public speaker. You know.

With that in mind, it really would be an unsuitable job. Funny though.

7. Leandro Bacuna: Hairdresser

Have you ever noticed, Leandro Bacuna has a different haircut every week? Check Google images if you don't believe me. It seems to me that Leandro just wants to style people's hair, but without volunteers, he just does his own hair. Why not open up his own hairdressers? That way he could live out his dream AND get paid for it. Also, I'm looking for a good hairdressers in Birmingham, so if you read this Leandro, I'm happy to be a test subject...

9. Scott Sinclair: Russian Doll model

Now, I'm pretty sure this isn't a real job, but it needs to be. Look:

Yeah, it looks absolutely nothing like Scott Sinclair. But my sister found it in a shop in Prague and assures me it is actually meant to be him. So maybe Scott should take some time and allow the artist to paint a better picture of him.

SAYING THAT, the artist just maybe isn't that good. See, I went to the same shop years ago and actually bought one. So picture Gareth Barry, Steven Davis, Thomas Sorensen, Olof Mellberg and Juan Pablo Angel.

Umm...

11. Gabby Agbonlahor: Timetraveller

Gonna keep this one simple, Gabby needs to find a way to go back to the time that he was good, find out what went wrong and change it.

12. Joe Cole, 16. Joleon Lescott and 18. Kieran Richardson: Travelling salesmen

What do these three have in common? They are all kinda old, none of them are particularly good; and combined, they have probably played for every Premier League team. So why travelling salesmen? I have no idea, but if it means they are out and about, and away from Villa Park, it can't be a bad thing.

14. Philippe Senderos and 27. Libor Kozak: WWE Tag Team

Forget The New Age Outlaws, The New Day, John Cena or Randy Orton; Philippe Senderos and Libor Kozak are set to take the WWE by storm. Think about it, we as Villa fans haven't seen the duo in ages. They are basically invisible. Imagine it, it's not an RKO outta nowhere, but rather it's a surprise Senderos, or something. I don't know.

Ashley Westwood: Army General

On his day, Ashley Westwood is a midfield general, so I don't see why those skills wouldn't apply to a general role of a different kind. I'm not exactly sure what kinds of things a general would get up to, but I know that Westy would have more of a shot of driving a tank in the army than playing for Villa, and that would be really cool. Because who doesn't want to drive a tank? Not Ashley Westwood I don't think.

22. Gary Gardner: actual gardener

The laziest choice so far, Gary Gardner should be a gardener. No, I'm not going to apologise either.

23. Jordan Amavi: Bubble Wrap tester

Another "probably not a real job" example here. Again, I don't care. Because look, Jordan Amavi has probably the most upside for Villa, Jack Grealish aside. Good now, with the potential to be great, we need to wrap this kid in cotton wool to prevent him getting injured, just like he unfortunately has whilst representing France. It's a cruel world.

24. Carlos Sanchez: Graphics designer

Have you ever checked out Carlos Sanchez's Twitter feed? Dude produces some top class graphics. I'm a massive fan. It's definitely something that he could do for a living. At the very least he could take requests off of Reddit or something. Could be a nice little money maker for the Colombian Pirlo.

28. Charles N'Zogbia: Fashion Icon

Now, Zoggy gets quite a lot of hate for his fashion taste, but I actually like it. In fact, I have a jumper which isn't too dissimilar to this pattern:

Okay, I personally wouldn't wear those trousers, but the shirt gets a thumbs up from me. It's clear that Zoggy has a great fashion sense, so it would make sense for him to put these skills to good use. Some kind of job in the fashion industry for Mr N'Zog please.

31. Mark Bunn: Beard model

At 30 years of age, Mark Bunn is one of the oldest players in the Villa squad. But the man has style.

The man has a fine beard, a beard that deserves more than the Aston Villa substitutes bench. Again, I'm not 100% sure a beard model is a real job, but if not, Mark Bunn will be a pioneer in such things.

33. Jose Angel Crespo: Magician

Okay look, when Jose Crespo signed for Villa I wasn't 100% convinced. In fact, I'd rather we'd signed Hernan Crespo, despite the fact that the former Argentine striker is 40 and retired. BUT THEN we saw something, a little spark, a moment of magic. Which gave birth to this:

crespo

Credit goes to Robert for this, but it's PERFECT.

40. Jack Grealish: Aston Villa mascot

Maybe it's because he's come up through the Villa youth system, but I just can't imagine Jack doing anything other than being an Aston Villa player. It's kind of a cheat answer, but if Jack Grealish wasn't an Aston Villa player, I just can't see him doing anything else.

So I've covered the future career's of 20 of Villa's players. I couldn't get around to doing all of them, and some I just couldn't think of. So I need your help. If you can think of any suitable jobs for the likes of Jordan Veretout or Alan Hutton, or even if you disagree with any of mine, do let us know in the comments below. And thanks for reading.