I'm not sure what I envisioned when I took on the Villa job, but a soggy 1-1 with Hull Tigers or whatever they call themselves wasn't it. I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for this. The players don't respect me, Keane-O might be calling a hitman and I've still not seen us win a Premier League game. The ref gave Steve Bruce and his cronies a penalty about ten minutes in for some reason. N'Zogbia managed to get the point, but we shouldn't have tied that match.
A look at the fixture list makes my heart palpitate. I can't got to Old Trafford and beat United? Can I? It will get all the fans behind me and might sate Keane's bloodlust for a few games. Fingers crossed, eh?
Louis van Gaal offers me a wine after the match. I think he was a bit drunk the whole time, to be quite honest. He talks to me about 3-5-2, but I'm a bit bored to be quite honest. None of his advice will help N'Zogbia kick a football in a line. It's time to prepare for out next match. Will Hughes and Derby visit Villa Park in the Capital One Cup. Time for my albino saviour to give me a kicking in front of the home crowd. Just what I needed.
Well. That could have gone better. At least Weimann did something. Too bad I've already told him to pack his bags. I'm not even home before the manager of my next opposition is bleating in the papers about me. Roy Keane is face-timing me, but all I can see are his gritted teeth.
"Have yer seen the news boss?", he grunts. I flick over to see Harry Redknapp hanging out of a car window. The interview is already all over the morning papers.
Wow. Git. For someone who was suspected of tax evasion, you'd expect him to want to keep his head down. The cheek of it. I walk into work the next day with a bone to pick. I don't take the team-talk and let Roy loose on them. I check the dressing room for blood after and give the team the all-clear to go out and smash QPR. "Do it for me boys," I whisper as the team walks onto the pitch. I can't let Harry get the best of me. I check the news and smile to see my reply to 'Arry has made it into the news. Let's do this!
5 minutes pass and Adel Taarabt gives QPR the lead. I slump back into my seat. We're done here. Harry Redknapp will be laughing his way to the Daily Mirror's office to get me executed now. My eyes remain tightly closed. QPR get a penalty 20 minutes in and Taarabt puts it past a sorry Brad Guzan. I am already writing out my resignation and let Keane do the team-talk.
It's over for me. I put 3 strikers up front and bring on Kozak for Benteke. I take off N'Zogbia and move Weimann up front. 4-3-3 time. May as well let them mess around now as I ponder where my career will take me next. Blyth Spartans? Forth Albion?
As I am lost in my thoughts, a goal is scored by someone. Probably Adel Taarabt again or they may have let 'Arry have a kick about just to rub salt all over the wound that is my management career. Roy Keane is shaking me as the Villa players pile on top of each other. Tom Cleverley has only gone and scored! 2-1 with half an hour left. I can still get Redknapp back, just you wait.
Ten minutes to go. Nothing has happened and QPR are playing with us. Then we get a penalty. Ron Vlaar puts it past the keeper and we rescue a point. The Villa fans seem happy and we've spoiled Harry's day, I'll take that.
Then something strange happens. Vlaar punts a QPR attack away and the ball lands at the feet of Libor Kozak, who brushes a challenge off and buries Robert Green in the 87th minute.
Call the police, I think we've just stolen a victory.
I leave the team to celebrate as I proudly do my post match interview.
Damn right I don't have time for him! He is already moaning to the newspapers calling me names and all that tripe.
I'll take 'petty' and 'bitter' any day over losing Harry. I'll see you at Loftus Road next year, mate.
Moving on swiftly, I stick to the 4-3-3 formation for the trip to Everton. Buoyed by a comeback and 3 goals, it didn't take long for us to go back to our old ways as Samuel Eto'o scored a hat-trick in 3 minutes. Luckily, captain Ron steals a point for us
Six goals in two games? I can almost feel an unbeaten streak coming on.
Next time on 5.5 to Holte: Villa take on Spurs, Benteke gets hurt and James gets the plaudits.