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5.5 to Holte Part Two: Deadline Day

James tries to re-mortgage Villa Park to bring in Callum McManaman, Delph doesn't sign his contract, Keane-O threatens Harry Redknapp. It's the second part of 5.5 to Holte.

The Villa fans love me!
The Villa fans love me!
Getty Images/Getty Images

Check out part one here.

4-2. The Welshmen had just smashed the mighty Villa 4-2. I wasn't having any of this. Weimann had about forty shots! He's off this month, I swear. I'll sell him for a packet of bloody skittles. Hands clenched around my match notes which read 'kick ball to delph lots', I storm into the dressing room. Roy Keane tells me to calm down, that's how I know I'm mad. Before I can even say anything, Randy Lerner whisks me aside.

"Look, we need to sign a few of the lads to new contracts, don't get too angry just yet."

I have no idea why Randy hasn't made Tom handle this, I'm not a accountant. I let Roy do the team talk and take a few of the team aside to sort out deals. It sounds like a jet is taking off in the changing room, but I don't mind. 4-2.

Guzan signs his contract straight away, doesn't even ask for much except an 'NFL Gamepass'. Pfft. Vlaar was alright as well, he just wanted 10k more a week and since we got rid of Darren 'What's a goal' Bent, we've got wage money to spare.

Fabian Delph on the other hand was a bit of a dive. He walked into my office wearing his fancy England cap. I congratulate him and he says he doesn't need to be patronised. We talk contracts.

How do you know someone is from Yorkshire? They will tell you. Delph asks for items in his contract such as 'free curries', 'Yorkshire Tea', oh and 'twenty thousand more pounds'.

"Come on Fabian, you're a good lad, a big part of this team. Don't muck things up like this", I say. He twiddles his dainty thumbs, before handing me a leaflet. "What's this?" I ask. I open it up. It's Bradford's Curry Guide 2014. I look at him and he smiles. I point to the door, we're going nowhere with this.

Match-day comes around again like an unwelcome guest. We can't even beat Leicester City after they had a man sent off for stamping on Delph 25 minutes in. Shocking stuff. I feel I may not be cut out for this manager business..

Doubt creeps in during the next game, when we fail to put Portsmouth away until the dying minutes.

The draw at Palace a few days later didn't win me any friends either. Roy tries to get stuff done in the transfer window, but I can just hear the sound of a head banging off a desk. Weimann isn't finishing any chances and I contemplate cutting him into small pieces and shipping them off to Rapid Vienna. He makes me upset.

The scouting team turn up a few days before the deadline. FOr some reason, one of them decided to go to Iraq. They only managed to find the Gulf's Lionel Messi. Or something. Then, a roar from Roy's office.

"If Harry Redknapp turns up at my stadium hanging out his car window, I'll smack him in his little cockney face." Keano spat. Harry had made an offer for Ron Vlaar and I think Ron is Roy's mate. Well, hostage. Apparently Harry always drives around England on deadline day looking for nice bargains. We aren't anyone's bargain bucket mate!

More bad news follows Harry. Gulf Lionel Messi has had his work permit turned down. I try and think of how I can scorn the Government and instead settle down to write a letter to Theresa May of the Home Office.

"Please let this Iraqi kid's work permit go through. Please. I'll even vote Conservative".

I almost jog down to the post office to send it off. My first signing! Shame it's not Will Hughes though.

A few hours later and still no response from the Home Office. Keane-O tells me of this Wigan Winger, McManaman, tells me we should buy him or 'something might happen to my legs'.

Me and Randy get a conference call going with Dave Whelan of Wigan in the next five minutes. We offer a nice package for McManaman worth 500k now and up to 10 million pounds down the line. Dave isn't having any of it and tells us he want's 6 million now and 20 million later. Randy's mouth moves to form a 'no', but I butt in.

"Dave, We'll give you 15 million over four years. Just give us Callum".

I think Randy had a heart attack. Dave accepted

I've never seen an American move so fast and I even think Randy has a bit of a heart problem. He bombed it out the boardroom, probably to phone his bank. I rub my hands together and cradle my legs, knowing that if this deal goes through, Roy won't break them. Not to mention we get a bright young English prospect to develop!

Dave calls back.

Randy's card got declined.

Roy is not happy. He didn't break my legs but the MacBook Pro that Tom bought him has been thrown onto the pitch. I sit down and open a bottle of whiskey as midnight approaches. At least the work permit might go through right?


Gulf Lionel Messi was poached by Porto because the Government took too long. Where have I heard that before?

Next time on 5.5 to Holte: It's crunch time for Villa as Will Hughes, the chosen one, faces Villa in the cup. Louis van Gaal gets turnt and Villa score. Somehow.