Have you been enjoying the torrid start to Aston Villa's season? Are you mildly irritated that an otherwise perfect record has been marred by a draw to Newcastle? Would you do anything you could to help Aston Villa keep winning? Well, we are starting an effort to give you that chance.
Of Aston Villa's matches this season, I've only gotten the chance to see one: the insanely boring draw. When the club kicked off the season with a win at Stoke, I was in Alaska. The 2-1 thriller against Hull City at Villa Park? I was at a friend's wedding weekend in Utah. And this weekend's stunning defensive effort against Liverpool? Delivering a paper at a conference about World War I at West Point.
We've put together some of the best scientific minds who write for this website and they have all come to one conclusion: it's time to send me on a nearly-permanent vacation. For the sake of transparency, I present our research to you right now:
With such irrefutable work, it's impossible to deny that sending me on vacation during every Villa match will assure the club of a 37-1-0 record, their first ever Premier League title, and a spot in the Champions League next year. Additionally, it'll probably sweeten the deal for potential buyers who are looking to purchase the club.
And this is where we need your help. None of us have enough money to send me on a permanent vacation, so we're asking you to chip in. Sure, it may seem odd sending someone else to explore the globe, but when you consider the fact that it means glory for your favorite team, no price is too high.
Rewards
But don't think that we're asking you to give without planning on giving anything in return. We've put together some great reward packages for our backers.
Pledge $25 or more
We'll give you a one-year subscription to 7500 to Holte Plus. Do you love this site but wish it came to you rather than the other way around? You've got it! Each time we publish a story (or once a day, you decide) we'll send you an email with a link to it. Less hassle in your life and more Aston Villa!
Pledge $50 or more
You get the subscription PLUS three gifs of your choosing. I'm not one to brag, but I make a pretty good gif from time to time. For example:
And you get THREE of these! The Premier League doesn't want us hosting gifs of their matches, but I'd be happy to send them to you! Or perhaps you prefer cats. Or dogs. Or grass growing. Anything you want, it's yours.
Pledge $100 or more
Everything above and a postcard from each of my trips asking you how Aston Villa did:
Pledge $5000 or more
Our eternal gratitude, everything above, and a chance to accompany me on a trip! Perhaps we'll go see an elephant, or have a movie that we simply cannot miss. Regardless of how it happens, you and I will miss the Villa match together and never know exactly how another glorious win happened.
Risks and challenges
Well, I could get sunburned, bitten by mosquitoes, catch some sort of a disease, be party to illegal activities, spend more money than I should...
Oh wait, you mean risks and challenges that may affect you! So far as I can tell, there are absolutely none. This is a 100% foolproof plan that cannot possibly fail.
So what are you waiting for? Donate today for the glory of Villa tomorrow!