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New Villa movie set to debut: Premier League

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In 1982, a club from Birmingham, England called Aston Villa captured the hearts and minds of European football fans by winning the European Cup. Since then things haven’t quite gone so smoothly for the former kings of Europe. The 2014-15 season sees a club up against it. A desperate owner looking to sell. A manager without a budget. I think it’ll play out something like this.

Majorleague3

(Photoshop by Mark Yesilevskiy)

INT. RANDY LERNER'S MAKESHIFT OFFICE

RANDY LERNER is stroking his GIANT WHITE FURRY CAT

PAUL LAMBERT enters to discuss the TRANSFER BUDGET

LAMBERT
I've identified a few players we can bring in without a fee as per your wishes. COLE, SENDEROS, RICHARDSON - they're all available. The only problem is they're old and bad.

LERNER
I think they'll fit right in with our team concept

LAMBERT
That reminds me...what is our team concept?

EXT. BODYMOOR HEATH

PAUL LAMBERT and ROY KEANE are observing a practice

KEANE
oo da f*&k izzat m8

LAMBERT
That's our best youngster JACK GREALISH. We've got high hopes for him.

JACK GREALISH is seen dribbling around pylons with relative ease

KEANE
wha abou'at fella

LAMBERT
That's JORES OKORE our young, promising center back. He's coming off an injury but we think he could be special.

JORES OKORE is seen leaping an impossible height to head a ball clear of attackers

KEANE
roight m8 ok den oozat bloke ova theaaaaaahhhh

LAMBERT
That would be ALAN HUTTON

ALAN HUTTON is sitting with crossed legs, nude eating a pile of discarded banana peels at the center of the pitch

PAUL LAMBERT gazes into the distance and the camera pans in on new signing and supposed washed up veteran JOE COLE tirelessly working on his free kicks.

INT. A RECORDING STUDIO

JACK WOODWARD is sitting down to interview new signing KIERAN RICHARDSON

WOODWARD
So you sit here as the new man at Aston Villa how do you feel?

RICHARDSON
It's great. It's a massive club with great facilities.

WOODWARD
And do you think the club can push on and have a successful campaign?

RICHARDSON
It's a massive club with great facilities.

INT. GIANT BOARD ROOM

RANDY LERNER sits alone sipping a champagne glass filled with DOG BLOOD

LERNER
The plan to sell the club is working brilliantly. No one suspects that my long con of making sure Aston Villa get relegated for good is in its final stages.

RANDY LERNER strokes a poster featuring his favorite player NIKOLA ZIGIC as dramatic music swells denoting that RANDY LERNER is evil

LERNER
Without a budget and the injury to Christian Benteke, Lambert will most certainly fail to survive and finally Villa will be sunk.

The rotary phone rings

LERNER
Hello?
(pause)
You want to buy Ron Vlaar?
(pause)
Sold!

RANDY LERNER hangs up and begins to cackle like a maniac having just sold Ron Vlaar to rivals West Bromwich Albion. He lights a cigar with a flaming wad of ACORNS kits

EXT. 20 DECEMBER 2014, VILLA PARK

MANCHESTER UNITED has just stormed back from being down 2-0 to win the match on a stoppage time goal from JAVIER HERNANDEZ.

PAUL LAMBERT addresses the media

LAMBERT
We played well. We will keep our heads up and be ready to give it a right go on Boxing Day.

INT. AN AUTHENTIC ENGLISH PUB

That night LAMBERT and KEANE go out and binge drink and try to figure out a way to keep Villa safe despite the lack of resources and empty transfer fund. Aston Villa are firmly entrenched in the drop zone.

LAMBERT
I've got an idea that'll pick up the lads. I'll have it ready for the next match.

KEANE
OI
(he smashes
a pint glass on
his own forehead)

INT. BOXING DAY - SWANSEA, WALES - AWAY DRESSING ROOM

PAUL LAMBERT addresses his team before the match.

LAMBERT
Can I have your attention please? I think you all ought to know that MR. LERNER doesn't think too highly of our worth. He put this team together because he thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking down attendance and merchandise sales to the point where we'd be relegated. It turns out he's a rabid Birmingham City fan and the joke has been on us the entire time.

BRAD GUZAN
What if we don't get relegated?

LAMBERT
He will release you and find players that will get us relegated. Now...

LAMBERT pulls out a cardboard cutout of RANDY LERNER in a very expensive looking suit with a dialogue bubble that reads: U BLOKES R BLOODY RUBBISH

LAMBERT
Now, every time we get a point we peel off a section.

PAUL LAMBERT removes the shoulder section of LERNER'S suit and THE PLAYERS begin cheering

GUZAN
Wait, why is LERNER speaking with an English accent?

MONTAGE OF ASTON VILLA PRACTICING REALLY HARD AT SPORTS

(BANANARAMA'S "CRUEL SUMMER" plays over the montage)

MONTAGE ALSO INCLUDES ASTON VILLA BEGINNING TO WIN SOME MATCHES AND ALSO SUPER CUTS OF PAUL LAMBERT PEELING SECTIONS OFF OF THE CUT OUT OF RANDY LERNER

EXT. FINAL DAY OF THE SEASON, VILLA PARK VS BURNLEY

Tied at 1 goal apiece, ASTON VILLA need all three points to survive. Anything less will see them relegated.

In the 93rd minute, JOE COLE wins a free kick from 25 yards out and it seems like it will be the final kick of the season. ALAN HUTTON, who has been forced into the first team because of injuries and unconscionable transfer decisions by RANDY LERNER approaches JOE COLE and OTHERS.

COLE
Alright fellas, I'm going to take this one.

HUTTON
(unintelligible ravings of a mad man)

COLE
u wot m8

HUTTON
Apologies mate, I was eating a bug. There's only one thing left to do.

JOE COLE stares blankly at ALAN HUTTON

HUTTON
(begins looking for
more bugs to eat
in the grass)

JOE COLE shrugs. He lines up for the free kick and drills home a dramatic winner that keeps ASTON VILLA up for another season.

In the ASTON VILLA press box RANDY LERNER in his only appearance at VILLA PARK is apoplectic. He staggers backward as the crowd rush the pitch and tumbles ass over tea kettle into a before unseen giant cart full of horse manure.

LERNER
(spitting out manure)
I HATE MANURE

HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS' "HEART AND SOUL" plays over a freeze frame mid-air high five between JOE COLE and ALAN HUTTON who has just earlier covered his entire face with lipstick

FADE OUT.