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Newcastle Turns Its Greedy Eyes Toward Benteke

Rumors are the worst. Especially ones with no basis in reality. Here's one you will all be sure to hate.

Peekaboo: Newcastle stinks
Peekaboo: Newcastle stinks
Michael Regan

Christian Benteke at Newcastle? Newcastle fans have every reason to be excited about the very idea. But why would a transfer like this ever happen, especially now? Benteke is rehabbing his achilles injury and won't be fit for quite some time. Newcastle has just purchased a whole bunch of players, some of whom they probably don't even need. Let's break this insanely bad rumor down into dust. Where did it come from?

The first hint of this bogus garbage comes from a tweet written by a man (or woman because on the internet we can be anyone) claiming to be called Steve. Steve is a self-described "Cheap Premier League Football Agent. Tactical Genius. Can Crush Ice With Bare Hands. Golf course hacker" and wouldn't you know it - he resides in Newcastle-upon-Tyne. Typical of the modern In-The-Know agent types, he claims that IF free agent striker Nicklas Bendtner signs with Villa, Benteke would be on his way to Newcastle. And don't worry, Steve - the world at large will be sure to give you credit since we all heard from you first.

That tweet led to something that was published on Chronicle Live, an internet publication featuring news and notes from the Newcastle area. While discussing the five things learned from watching Newcastle take on Oldham Athletic, author Neil Cameron says "There is a suggestion that Newcastle are interested in Christian Benteke and Aston Villa would be willing to talk." Well if you say so, Neil. Did you read Steve's tweet? He mentioned a similar thought before you posted your myriad learned things about Newcastle vis-a-vis the match vs. Oldham.

Taking the notion of just publishing things not based in reality a step forward, What Culture Dot Com, a website that looks like the feral love child of Bleacher Report and Gizmodo, writes a bunch of words about Benteke's proposed (by Steve, the Ice Crusher) move to Newcastle.

So where to begin?

At the heart of the rumor is the idea that if Aston Villa signed Bendtner, who they have already denied having any interest in whatsoever, they would then sell Benteke to Newcastle. First, if Villa can sign Nicklas Bendtner they wouldn't just turn around and then sell their best and also currently most injured player. Believe it or not, Villa need forward depth, too. Second, Paul Lambert literally said (and this, unlike the links I posted earlier contains actual quotes from key decision makers) he is not selling anyone this summer. That includes Benteke.

Newcastle has made some impressive signings this summer. They've signed a bunch of the guys who I enjoy buying in video games. That said their owner is still an abomination of a human being and Alan Pardew is basically a joke. It's neat that they continue to spend money on fun players but this isn't a video game and Pardew has never really done anything to make anyone believe that this is going to make a difference. Maybe he can headbutt his way into the top six.

Christian Benteke will get healthy and when he does, he hopes to duplicate his efforts from two seasons ago. He certainly has the potential. At the end of a transfer deal, bid accepted, Benteke would have to agree to terms with his suitor. I find it extremely hard to believe that he would leave a place he's familiar with that isn't in European competition for a place he isn't familiar with that also isn't in European competition.

Put yourself in Benteke's shoes. The motivation for him is to get fit, get into matches, and begin scoring goals like a crazy goal scoring person. If he has a successful season he can have his pick of bigger clubs that are able to offer Champions League football. That's where his career is headed if everything breaks right.

So no, I don't think Christian Benteke is going to Newcastle and neither should anyone else.