Listen, I don't want to tease you at all or make you wait for the best part of this article. So here we go, from the Birmingham Mail's story on the Roy Keane "fight" in a hotel bar with a fan:
"An ambulance was called and Frank is believed to have been taken to Dublin's Beaumont Hospital - but there was no assault of any nature."
Alright, let me back up some. "Frank" is Irish-born Bostonian Frank Gillespie. He apparently wrote about Roy Keane in a book a few years ago, and Roy Keane is no fan of his. And he is the man who was involved in the rumpus with Keane at the Portmarnock Hotel in Dublin.
The story that has emerged is that Gillespie asked the former Manchester United player to sign a copy of The Second Half, the new Keano autobiography that he just released. When Keane refused (as he surely has a right to do), Gillespie "is understood to have ripped out several pages from the book, tossing them in the air before tumbling to the ground."
HE MADE IT RAIN WITH KEANE'S BOOK
And then the very next line in the story is the one I led with. So, let's get the timeline straight: belligerent Boston/Irish guy wants Keane to sign his book, Keane says no, belligerent dude makes it rain with said book, and then is in an ambulance.
We're very obviously missing something here, but the Irish FA are standing by the fact that Keane threw no punches and they believe that security footage will back it up. So why did Gillespie head to the hospital? Did he have a sudden rage-induced stroke? Did he suffer a massive paper cut while tearing out pages from the book?
I'm sure we'll find out eventually, but part of me wants this to remain a mystery. Think of it as Schrödinger's bar-fight. So long as we don't open the box, we can believe whatever we want. But once we confirm the truth, all of those beautiful, hilarious possibilities flit out the window.
So, while we still have the chance, give me your best version of what happened in the fight. Drop them in the comments and let's all have a good laugh.