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Aston Villa have not won a football match since September 13th. Today is November 14th. That is over two months. While the draw against West Ham was at least a step in the right direction, it still wasn't a win. The next match against Southampton doesn't seem promising, but the following week's trip to Burnley might be a decent chance. Not wanting to wait that long, I made myself a time machine and decided to see how long the win-less streak will last.
November 24
Due to injuries, Jores Okore is forced into the starting lineup. He makes it through the full 90 minutes, but does score an own goal in a 2-0 loss. Nathan Baker has to be taken off in the 67th minute after suffering a head injury.
November 29
Villa take an early lead against Burnley thanks to a goal from Andreas Weimann. However, Burnley come storming back to win 2-1 after a series of defensive errors from Ciaran Clark. Nathan Baker has to be taken off in the 67th minute after suffering a head injury.
February 10, 2015
Unable to pick up a win in the meantime, Villa take a lead away at Hull and look set to finally end the run. In the 90th minute, a Hull City corner kick pinballs off all eleven Aston Villa players before hitting off Philippe Senderos' face and ballooning into the net. The match finishes 1-1. Nathan Baker has to be taken off in the 67th minute after suffering a head injury.
May 24, 2015
On the final day of the season, neither team can muster any sort of attack and the match between Villa and Burnley finishes 0-0. Nathan Baker has to be taken off in the 67th minute after suffering a head injury.
October 31, 2015
Villa travel to Blackburn to take on Rovers. In the 35th minute, Gabby Agbonlahor goes past the keeper and looks set to slot home a goal into an empty net. However, he falls over and the ball meekly rolls over the endline for a goal kick. A frustrated Brad Guzan is sent off after wandering outside the box and putting in a two-footed, studs up tackle...on Ciaran Clark. Blackburn win 1-0.
March 19, 2016
Villa host Championship relegation candidates Brentford. In an effort to distract the opposition, Alan Hutton plays the match in a full chicken suit. It works for a little bit, but the other 21 players eventually chase him out of the stadium after the 30th time he hacks down a Brentford player and says it was a "fowl". Brentford win 2-0.
September 10, 2016
With both teams now in League One, the Second City Derby makes a 'triumphant' return. All fans in attendance fall asleep. Nathan Baker has to be taken off in the 67th minute after suffering a head injury.
December 4, 2027
Due to the financial troubles of several other clubs, Aston Villa have remained in League One, despite not winning a match in 13 years. After running out of pre-match speech ideas, Paul Lambert performs all of Celine Dion's Let's Talk About Love album to try and pump up the team. Norwich City beat Villa 3-1.
March 14, 2049
Gabby Agbonlahor's son Zabby Agbonlahor makes his debut for the club. He looks promising but is wayward in front of goal as Villa lose to Cheltenham Town 2-0. Nathan Baker has to be taken off in the 67th minute after suffering a head injury.
August 26, 2062
Robot players are finally legalized and allowed to play professional football. Aston Villa eagerly introduce their model: Benteketron. In its first match, a League Cup tie against Tottenham Hotspur, Benteketron is sent off after blowing up Ryan Mason-bot. Spurs advance with a 4-0 win.
October 28, 2089
Human-cat hybrid Tabby Agbonlahor makes his debut for the club. He scores a goal early, but it begins raining in the second half, sending Tabby into a tail spin. Villa lose to Wrexham 2-1.
February 43, 2101
The score is 0-0 in the 90th minute in a Conference North match against Birmingham City in post-apocalyptic Villa Park. Tabby Agbonlahor scores a late goal to put Villa ahead in what wound up being his final season as a player. Villa hang on for their first win in 87 years. Nathan Baker has to be taken off in the 67th minute after suffering a head injury.