Paul Lambert has taken to declaring players "ready" or "not ready" for the Premier League this week, and I thought we might take some time to help the gaffer. What follows is a list of people and things and a decision as to whether or not they are ready for the Premier League. I've also taken suggestions from twitter, but feel free to add your own in comments!
Jores Okore - Not ready
You know, despite the fact that he has been named to matchday squads against Arsenal and Liverpool. I suppose you can take chances with your lesser players against weaker squads like those two, so it makes perfect sense.
Carlos Sánchez - Ready
The guy who has looked outclassed every time he has stepped on the pitch this season (his very first touch excepted)? Certainly he's ready! To be fair to Lambert, this is more out of necessity, and we know that Sánchez has it in him to be a great footballer, but we all had better hope that he is well and truly ready.
Stiliyan Petrov - Not ready
He's back playing football! He even bought his team new kits! But unfortunately for Aston Villa, he's not quite up to Premier League match fitness. It's a shame, too, since the club could really use someone willing to take low-percentage speculative shots from far enough away that an artillery spotter is needed to confirm the result.
Puppies - Ready. So so ready.
I mean look at this puppy running around on a pitch. It effectively distracts literally everyone on the field. Get one player with a cold dead heart who doesn't like puppies to team up with the puppy and you'll get a goal every time while everyone is distracted by the cuteness.
All of Derry City FC - Not ready
They can't even sit on a bench, so how are we to expect them to be ready for Premier League play?
Queens Park Rangers - Not ready
Unless a 1-1-6 record is what they were aiming for, the QPR season is going exactly as well as everyone predicted it would. And everyone predicted "they're going to get slaughtered." Alas.
Arriva Enviro 400 - Ready
The finest in modern double-decker bus technology. We've already seen it put to astonishing use by Jose Mourinho, and it has proven the ability to win championships while boring the world. Couldn't be more Premier League ready than that.
Mario Balotelli - Not ready
He's good! But I bet Brendan Rodgers wishes he'd splashed his cash elsewhere.
Ciaran Clark - Not ready
But we're probably going to see him anyways.
Roy Keane - Not ready
Ask me a few weeks ago, and I say he's ready. But losing that beard was a bit like seeing Samson shorn. No way he can jump right in and end a career at this point.
India - Ready
Suggested by twitter user @adlovesbeer, and it's a good question. Statistically speaking, with so many people, we'd think that India should absolutely be ready. And given their growing prominence in the world economy, there are certainly a few Indian who could own a club. Tough to be much more ready than owning a club. That said, the fact that Lakshmi Mittal owns 1/3 of QPR and is from India is not making a good impression. Nevertheless, let's not judge on small sample size!
Chris Nee - Ready
Suggested by twitter user @ChrisNeeFc. If we're talking playing skill, I think his partner in podcasting, Stevie Green, is probably a bit more ready. He is, after all, a goalkeeper whereas I have no idea what Chris plays. But if we're talking pure podcasting talent, he's definitely in the upper echelon of Premier League podcasting.
Freddy Adu - Not ready
Suggested by twitter user (and writer for this very site) @crashcarson15, and the answer is no. I'm not actually sure if the answer is no, but after years of growing up and hearing about Freddy Adu as the next big thing and having it come to naught, I am saying no. Mostly because I never want to hear about Freddy Adu again. Sorry Freddy.
Aston Villa - Undecided
First four matches Aston Villa: ready. Last four matches Aston Villa: not ready. Which team will show up for the season?
Those are the one's I've got. Help Paul Lambert out and suggest your own in the comments!