The howling fan squads - my cover letter for an AVFC job

To whom it may concern-

I write today in response to your job posting of 23 July 2013, which advertised an opening in the Aston Villa Fan Squad. I believe that I am uniquely qualified to help, and while there are some problems with my application, I hope that my upside will make up for them.

First, some background: I've been an Aston Villa fan since Kirsten Schlewitz and Aaron Campeau brought the blog 7500 to Holte onto the SB Nation network. I decided to follow them and the team, and dove in head-first. Eventually, I was given the chance to write about the club from a new fan's perspective, and then slowly assumed a role covering anything and everything. As my introduction to the club was from analyzing the fan experience, I believe that I have a perspective that would make me a valuable asset to the club as a member of the fan squad.

Now as to the requirements you listed in your posting, I'd like to take these in the traditional blog form of bullet points:

• Customer Service Experience (preferably in an events based environment or bran ambassador capacity): As evidenced by this comment, I'm skilled at helping customers find just what they need while encouraging opposing viewpoints.
• Proven ability to engage people in conversation in a relaxed and enthusiastic manner: What could be more friendly, relaxed, and enthusiastic than the way I tried to convince some Villa fans that West Bromwich Albion were not the club's top priority? To wit: "But if you're part of the 20.2% (WE ARE THE DIMWITS!)... get a stinking life. Because you know what? You all sound like West Brom fans."
• An understanding of the most effective method of interacting and communicating with people in different situations: Well this one is easy. In the Internet age in which we live, the most effective means of communicating in any situation is gifs. For example, if I needed to express joy to fans, I might show them
  
  
  
  Or if, as part of my duties, I had to rile up the crowd, I could inspire them with the dance stylings of Brad Guzan
  
  
  
  There is literally no emotion gifs cannot convey, and I have them at my beck and call.
• Strong influencing skills: Even within the current Aston Villa squad, I've had my fair share of success in convincing the players to do things that would normally be outside their comfort zone. Who could forget the time I got Marc Albrighton to ride a crocodile that wore and Andy Marshall mask?
  
  
  Or the time I inspired Barry Bannan to revolution?
  
  
  
  Unfortunately, I haven't been able to influence Stephen Ireland and Alan Hutton to leave and forgive any money owed to them by Villa. But you lot haven't done any better there, so I think we're even.
• Strong attention to detail: Most bloggers see the match. A few have an eye for the highlights, and the work that goes into making them. Not many have the attention to detail necessary to catch the whole world in an entire image:
  
  
  
• A calm and composed demeanour: I'll let me work speak for itself:
  
  Calm:
  

  BRAD GUZAN HAS BRASS TESTICLES AND DENIES DEMBA BA!!

  — 7500 To Holte (@7500toHolte) May 11, 2013

  
  
  Composed:
  

  GOD I HATE FOOTBALL

  — 7500 To Holte (@7500toHolte) May 4, 2013

• Confidence and resiliency along with strong interpersonal skills: Really? Resiliency? I'm a Villa fan, aren't I?
  
  
• Full, clean UK Driver's License:
  
  See? In a bathtub, so you know it's clean.