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Things Spurs could give us in exhchange for Benteke that I'd rather have than Defoe

An in-comprehensive list.

Clive Rose

In case you've missed it, the Daily Mirror is reporting that Tottenham Hotspur has offered Jermain Defoe as a make-weight in a deal to land Christian Benteke from Aston Villa. This is really, really dumb, for very obvious reasons; though it's true that we're unaware of the cash being offered by Spurs, it's fair to assume that (assuming this offer even exists, which is beyond questionable) that it was insufficient in its own right, and that Defoe was thrown in as some kind of pot-sweetener.

That's ridiculous on its own merits, and I'm not going to go int the reasons why. Jermain Defoe is a slightly better version of Gabby Agbonlahor that's slightly older and makes nearly twice the wages. It's not happening. But there are quite a few things Spurs could offer in addition to a sizable chunk of change that would be more enticing than Defoe; players such as Danny Rose, Younès Kaboul, Tom Huddlestone, Mousa Démbéle, Gylfi Sigurðsson, Lewis Holtby, Steven Caulker, and Harry Kane.

Also, this stuff.

The remaining contents of Harry Redknapp's desk

This treasure-trove of managerial knowledge is second to none in terms of the window it offers into the mind of one of the unquestioned geniuses of contemporary English football. A notebook containing all of 'Arry's plans for tapping into Gareth Bale's true promise from the left back spot is just beginning, but the Escape Artist's laptop is the real jewel; every word of the manager's private correspondence (all 200 of them!) from his time with Spurs is included, as well as hundreds of Microsoft Paint diagrams of literally tens of tactical plans can be Villa's to pick through. The remainder will be included in the form of pretzel-stick-versus-pretzel-circle-on-paper-with-glue diagrams, as well as a bag of regular pretzels, which confused Redknapp to such an extreme degree that he wouldn't come out of his office for three days upon being confronted with them.

Brad Friedel's rapidly-decaying-but-still-committed-corpse

If there's one thing the pundits agree on, it's the need for Brad Guzan--who returned to Villa with the promise of nothing only to steal Shay Given's job en route to becoming one of the Premier League's best stories and making notoriously loyal US National Team fans question the value of Tim Howard--to be pushed by the presence of a legitimate threat at his starting job. What better to put a scare into Villa's unproven (just roll with it) keeper than the imposing specter of Brad Friedel's earthly form. Not only will said apparition light a fire under "Little Brad" in terms of his goalkeeping performances, Guzan will be speaking in a horribly forced English accent in no time.

Andre Villas-Boas' fashion sense

Stop trying to make Perry Ellis frames happen. They're not going to happen.

Also, sweatsuits. God. Awful, just awful. I see like six people in a typical workday and I manage to put on some jeans and press my damned collar (which doesn't pop out from under the neck of a sweatshirt for the love of christ.)

But other than clothes, keep doing the same stuff.

Color scheme

Look, we all love claret and blue. It's as good a color scheme as there is in professional sports the world over, and it's been a very long time since we've seen a home shirt that wasn't at the very least passable. But there's a certain simplicity to Spurs' color scheme that's to be envied; the home shirt will be white, the away shirt will be blue, the shorts will be complimentary.It's tough to mess that up.

Clint Dempsey

With apologies to Gareth:




Lots and lots and lots and lots of money.