Thierry Henry Wants Robert Pires At New York Red Bulls, Which Solves Everyone's Problems

According to the Birmingham Mail, Thierry Henry placed a call to Robert Pires, begging his dear friend to come join him in Major League Soccer, playing for New York Red Bulls. Which would solve so many problems for so many: Henry would have an actual French speaker to converse with while in Manhattan. Pires would find an abundance of black town cars to chauffeur him in style, and he wouldn't even have to go to Birmingham multiple times a week. New York could change its name to NY'Arsenal rather than being forced to adopt corporate sponsorship as their team name. And I, well, I will never have to look at Pires' shorts riding up way too far as he sits on the Aston Villa bench.

Henry and Rafa Marquez are already signed as designated players for NYRB, but given the weird rules of MLS New York could actually purchase the rights to add a third DP. And if they wish to do so for Pires, by all means. Clearly a slow, artistic player would work well in the physicality of the MLS game. New York might be a pretty good team, but there's no denying they're looking for marquee names -- if they think Pires fits the bill, it gives him and Villa a chance to part ways gracefully.

But we won't know until Pires, Gerard Houllier and Randy Lerner sit down for a little tête-à-tête to discuss his future. I'll give the man this--Pires is at least gracious enough to say he won't talk to New York until he's spoken with Villa. Hopefully Houllier is back to good health as he's set to enjoy many of these little talks, including the long-anticipated discussion with Ashley Young. Because that won't stress his heart at all.