clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Football Players Who Never Need A Closeup: Who Are We Missing?

Aston Villa fans have had a tough season, to put it mildly. Abandoned by our manager, left behind by our best player, and fearing the slide into relegation ... all before Gérard Houllier was taken to hospital. In other words, Villa supporters should be treated like the fragile little flowers that we are, wrapped up in cotton wool and protected from the big bad world. As such, I have this proposal to make, which comes not just from me, not just from other Villa supporters, but from the rest of the universe:

Implement a Worldwide Ban on Closeups Of The Faces Of Frightening Players

Just...don't show them. Pixilate. Move the camera. Darken their visage. Whatever it is, those watching the football do not want to see ugliness. Our lives, as supporters, are difficult enough.

Below the jump, find a proposed list of players that should never be shown but from a safe distance. I reserve the right to supplement this list at any time. Please implement as soon as possible, TV stations.

(Note -- links go to twitter accounts of those who participated in this task, not to horrible images)

First and foremost, we want Carlos Tevez taken off our televisions (although to be fair, many of us probably could live without seeing a boring Manchester City match ever again). The subtle, diplomatic reasoning behind this is that he's scary and terrifying, but Richard Franks summed up what everyone is really thinking: "I don't want to see a shark's leftover dinner hanging off his neck." Indeed.

Next, let's just never see Franck Ribéry again. And while we're at it, can we also remove his images from the google? Sometimes a girl needs to find the correct accent marks, and does not need to see the Bayern Munich player in the process. Especially without his shirt.

The third place ribbon goes to Wayne Rooney. Even without the cursing, the cameras should just turn away.

Honorable mentions:

Laurent Koscielny, Arsenal (I think he's proof that Jurassic Park is not a work of fiction)

José Bosingwa, Chelsea (Why can't Paulo Ferreira hold him down and apply hot wax to those eyebrows?)

Joleon Lescott, Manchester City (I believe the word "Klingon" was mentioned)

Craig Gardner, Birmingham City (obvious reasons)

Carles Puyol, Barcelona (Just, ew)

Giuseppe Mascara, Napoli (I have never wanted a Napoli player to score less. Keep your shirt on, dude)

Dirk Kuyt, Liverpool (Besides his being "too yellow", he looks like Sloth from the Goonies)

Marlon Harewood, Blackpool (Look at the shape of his head) (note--I didn't, I was too scared)

Angel Di Maria, Real Madrid (In addition to looking as though someone compressed his face, he has a pterodactyl nose)

Alexander Hleb, Birmingham City (Ok, there might be bias here)

Lee Hendrie (Alright, you're likely not watching a lot of Indonesian football, but he looks like an oompa loompa)

Antonio Cassano, AC Milan (He looks like Denis Leary and Val Kilmer ran really fast into each other)


And the award for the best twitter comment, made about a truly hideous individual, is...

"I just did a google image search for ____________ and my cat jumped off my lap and vomited."

Who said this, and to what player were they referring?