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Possible Scoops for Stuart James

Marc Albrighton carried off pitch today! Story inside.
Marc Albrighton carried off pitch today! Story inside.

Friday saw the release of Stuart James' newest piece in his continuing attempts to make Aston Villa look bad. James told the world that when grown men who are more-than-naturally disposed to be competitive go drinking harsh words are sometimes said. These words, and the ensuing look into them by the club were presented by the steadfast reporter as signs of an impending Villa-pocalypse. Had James been right, he would have been the first on the scene for a rather major story. Had he been entirely wrong, no one would have cared, as James is part of a press establishment that pushes rumor mongering and does not seem to value accountability.

It turns out that maybe he was somewhere in between. Players arguing with the management is never something you want to read about. But at the same time, it's something incredibly common. It happens everywhere, and at almost every level (it's just that in youth soccer, it's the player's parents arguing with the management).

But it's pretty obvious that Stuart James is a bit hard-up for stories. And who can blame him? Aston Villa are about as interesting as a Discovery Channel show on how Cadbury Creme eggs are made. Sure, if it's on TV you'll watch it, but I doubt you'll think about it otherwise. So in an attempt to help the obviously beleaguered journo, I've collected some possible headlines below, and appended them with explanations, all in his style of writing.

Two Aston Villa Players Receive Numerous Tickets for Speeding: Barry Bannan and Marc Albrighton received enough tickets to get the water gun on display behind the counter by playing Need for Speed at an exceptionally high level. The owner of the arcade in Birmingham said he'd never seen two people so determined to set a new record on his machine.

Source: Villa Have Given Up on the Season, Relegation is a "Sure Thing": Twitter has been aflutter with claims that Aston Villa have given up on their season, and relegation is only a matter of "when" rather than "if." A twitter user under the handle ChickenBannan wrote the tweet after Villa's crushing at the hands of Manchester City in the FA Cup.

I'm not sure if he ever covers politics, but if so:
Aston Villa Aids in Taking Away Jobs from Hard-Working Britons: As if their driving away of Northern Irish gaffer Martin O'Neill weren't enough, Aston Villa have shown a marked increase in foreigners per managerial position this season.

Houllier Abuses Young Folks: After a poor showing today, Aston Villa manager Gérard Houllier has said that Luke and Ashley Young are two key components and need to play better if Villa are to succeed.

Stewart Downing to Birmingham City?  Midfielder will "Switches Sides": It was revealed today that noted French-person Gérard Houllier will make Stewart Downing's recent change of sides permanent. While the manager insists that the move is a tactical one, the player could in fact be leaving Villa in the future.

Villa Take Out Loan, Nearing Bankruptcy?: Aston Villa have taken a loan to shore up the team. Midfielder Michael Bradley has joined the squad and will contribute in some way in the midfield.

Aston Villa Win Match: Have you heard what a phenomenal job Alex McLeish is doing for Birmingham's premier team? Sunderland appear to be ready to move some of their players.

That's what I've got. Anything I missed? Throw it in the comments!