clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Eck Files

nothing more needs to be stated.
nothing more needs to be stated.

Case #18
Subject: Emile Heskey
Aliases: Heskenbauer, Ivanhoe, The Powerhouse, Useless

Subject in question is a man with the height of 6'2 and built like a flipping Ox. He is a man with many talents that are very unnecessary for any squad. Such talents include aimlessly trying to win aerial duels and losing the ball after the team working tirelessly to gain possession. He will cannon a shot into row z without hesitation, he will make darting runs into great positions only to either miss-kick the ball or blast it onto the crossbar.

Regardless of his talents, he does have certain diabolical limitations. His smile accompanies him everywhere he goes, it is contagious and must be dealt with discretely. He is beloved by his squad mates, and they jump for joy seeing his name in the team sheet because it allows them to be that much lazier. Noted enthusiasm stems from Stephen Ireland.

Emile Heskey is the Eck Factor.