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Happy Birthday, Barry Bannan--Please Don't Have An Injury

Barry Bannan doesn't need his feet, or even his gloved hands, to control the ball. The mind is sufficient for Bazza. (Photo by Clive Mason/Getty Images)
Barry Bannan doesn't need his feet, or even his gloved hands, to control the ball. The mind is sufficient for Bazza. (Photo by Clive Mason/Getty Images)

Happy 21st birthday, Bazza B! In return for reaching the legal drinking age in the United States, you get..a loss to Birmingham City in the Carling Cup quarter-finals and a possible groin injury. Sounds like a great present!

Seriously, Bazza, don't get too dejected. I mean, Aston Villa fans should clearly be despondent if you really have an injury. But you, yourself? You've got plenty to boast about. You were the absolute best player on the pitch today. A couple times I had to literally shut my mouth with my hand because people in the law library were giving me strange looks. I can't help it. There's no possible way that I can concentrate on the removal powers vested in the president of the United States when you're on the pitch.

Dude, it's almost time to back off a bit, considering you're starting to make older players look, quite frankly, foolish. I mean, Stephen Ireland came on for you today and he looked totally clueless. Granted, he looks clueless anyway, but he doesn't even come close to having your mastery of the ball. How on earth do you place passes that thread so accurately through multiple opposition players? How is it that you're the shortest player on the pitch yet you can jump ten feet to trap overhit crosses? I just don't understand. Is it magic?

Whatever it is, I'm ecstatic that Aston Villa's height limit was lifted to accommodate you, you adorable Scot. You are the most creative player that Villa have, and we desperately need that. Now please, please, please, please please do not pull a Frank Lampard on me. We need you on the pitch for the match against Liverpool.

PS--if this love letter is not a sufficient birthday present, I'm sure Elf-boy can assist.

(Barry Bannan will never agree to meet me after this, will he? Sad)