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It broadens the horizons and teaches us about other cultures. For instance, the Swiss, for all their repressed fastidiousness, have no issue with farting-or at least, the man working the reception desk ten feet away sees no shame in it.

Zurich is sterile and expensive and I'm already missing London. One day of being there and I feel like I fit, save for my uncouth accent of course. They have football in the papers and they show football in the bars and there would be football on television except my hosts don't have television (which they are probably quite happy about, now).

At this moment I'm reminded that I am truly a fanatic, for I am wondering what on earth made me time a vacation in football season? I'm used to baseball-miss a few games and the world doesn't implode. But here in Zurich, not even the Penalty Bar across the street was showing the AC Milan v Manchester United match (making me wonder what they DO show) and I'm getting itchy. We head to Cologne tomorrow and I'm already wondering if somewhere in that city there is a bar that shows EPL games. I missed the FA Cup tie; there's no way I'm missing this week's match.

Of course, that's where being a non-Big Four becomes an issue. Even if I do find a bar in Cologne showing EPL games (which might not be that difficult) how likely is it that they would be showing Villa v Burnley? Are there a lot of German Villans? I could sit in my hotel watching the match on the laptop, but I already feel lame for sitting in my hotel lobby typing this. I feel as though, on a Saturday at 4pm, I should probably be out experiencing the wonders of Cologne.

Yet there's a really annoying voice in my head that would keep whispering, Villa are playing....Villa are playing... This voice sounds remarkably like Martin O'Neill and it's very hard to ignore, even when Villa are playing the Seagulls at 7am and you know your team are going to win because how many places above Brighton are we? But this persistent voice drags me out of bed and I just know that it is going to either force me to find a bar in Cologne or confine me to a hotel lobby.

So please, for my sanity, tell me if you know a bar in Cologne that would show a Villa game. And remind me to plan my vacations around international breaks.

***Note: I should probably check the schedule before ranting but I am high on a cocktail of Chesty Cough, Flumucil and Sinaid. I will actually be in Milan at 3pm Sunday, making it less likely I will find said match. I must go find beer now.***