Rumor: Justin Bieber To Purchase Aston Villa

Pretend this is at Villa Park. Look how excited he is. - Gary A. Vasquez-US PRESSWIRE

Sometimes people want to know how people like myself get paid so much money to occasionally write blogs about soccer. It's because of my innate ability to connect the dots. When news breaks it pays to be able to read between the lines.

Today news broke that Justin Bieber's songwriting partner (in other words the guy who writes all of Bieber's music and lyrics/in other words the guy who is an adult but yet also is able to think like a pre-teen/in other words a scary human) is a massive fan of Aston Villa. His name is Ryan Butler. Is he related to noted Villa fan and famous musician Geezer Butler? I'm going to go ahead and assume he is not because Geezer Butler has done awesome things in his life and could not possibly be related to this fella.

Anyway, if you read the article you'd have learned that Ryan Butler plans to indoctrinate Justin Bieber into the claret and blue army. How, you ask? Well he'll probably show him some clips of seasons that aren't the last three. Or maybe just a few of Christian Benteke's goals without any context. Maybe he'll wait to see if Villa survive the drop. Butler seems incredibly confident that they will.

And even if they don't - it doesn't matter. Based on this story it is safe to assume that Justin Bieber will be purchasing Aston Villa from Randy Lerner and restore the club to its former glory. No more relegation battles. No more losses to Wigan or Southampton. No more of this thing where West Brom thinks that people give a crap about them in any way shape or form.

I googled "Justin Bieber Net Worth" and it spit back the number $110mm. Is that enough to buy Aston Villa? Probably not. But I also feel like that number is a little misleading. Justin Bieber has 36 million Twitter followers. I also just looked this up. I have cold hard evidence that I cannot share with you that proves that each of those followers would be willing to donate 20 dollars to the cause of making Aston Villa the greatest football club in the world.

Quick math tells me that figure, after taxes, would equal 400 billion dollars. Is that enough to buy Aston Villa? You bet. And not only is it enough to buy Villa - it's enough to bring in all of your favorite players and your favorite manager. It's also going to create a massive horde of teenage Villa fans who will love Villa because Bieber loves Villa. Aston Villa will become a worldwide phenomenon.

Your big club is about to get bigger. Fear the relegation beast no more.

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