What's that, you say, Barclay's Premier League? We can't post a fixture list because you've copyrighted the information and the English courts have yet to rule on whether this is entirely bogus?
Righteo, old chaps. Don't consider this a fixture list. Consider it a word puzzle. Thinking caps on, guys and gals.
18 August 2012: Aston Villa travel to play those thieving London claret-and-blues
25 August 2012: Face it, David Moyes is going nowhere. Except Villa Park on this day.
1 September 2012: Oh dear god please don't let it end 6-0 again. Thank goodness John Carew has buggered off.
15 September 2012: The Welsh are coming! The Welsh are coming!
22 September 2012: A visit to the seashore to take on a new arrival.
29 September 2012: It's derby day and it's at home. Oddly enough, there's only one league derby this season.
6 October 2012: Heading to London and at least Alan Hutton won't be in midfield
20 October 2012: London again, but this time, our garden shed is bigger than this cottage
27 October 2012: Inspect the pockets of exiting away fans -- did they snatch back Paul Lambert?
3 November 2012: No worries about Villa fans trying to sneak out this former manager
10 November 2012: Perhaps Marc and Barry will make out on the pitch again
17 November 2012: Don't you miss it here, James?
24 November 2012: Grab your shields and your French dictionaries for this home match
27 November 2012: Not writing. Not 'rithmetic. Who are we hosting?
1 December 2012: 14 Scrabble points for this away tie
8 December 2012: Hide the spare towels and move the advert boards in.
15 December 2012: Prepare your best Stewart Downing jokes for this journey.
22 December 2012: Think Roberto Di Matteo will still be in charge by the time we travel to this match?
26 December 2012: This home fixture should spur us on into the new year.
29 December 2012: After we beat the pie-eaters at VP, that is.
1 January 2013: My New Year's resolution is to learn Welsh
12 January 2013: Welcome Saints to B6
19 January 2013: Did you know our local rivals used to be called the Strollers?
29 January 2013: Keep yo' shirts on, Geordies
2 February 2013: The mere thought of this probable draw at Goodison makes me want to fall asleep
9 February 2013: Roll out the welcome mat for the Irons
23 February 2013: Turns out we like facing this London side at their quiet ground
2 March 2013: I wonder if the grass at the former Eastlands is now covered in gold dust?
16 March 2013: This time, let's not have Stephen Warnock score a goal for the visiting London side
30 March 2013: Is Brendan Rodgers' job in danger yet?
6 April 2013: Our trip to the Britannia is possibly my least favourite fixture of the year
13 April 2013: See, our garden shed is bigger.
20 April 2013: It's ok, Ash, you can celebrate. We're over it.
27 April 2013: Our hatred is reserved for this backstabbing visiting manager
4 May 2013: Lambert better have Villa sitting above his former club by the time we visit
12 May 2013: Hosting the Blues. But not those ones as hahahahahahaha
19 May 2013: Closing out the season against the team that refuses to be relegated. Ever.
(I kinda ran out of steam doing this, so if you have better suggestions, leave them in the comments)