Things I Think I Would Have Thought

WALSALL, ENGLAND - JULY 21: Darren Bent of Aston Villa in action during a Pre Season Friendly between Walsall and Aston Villa at Banks' Stadium on July 21, 2011 in Walsall, England. (Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)

Sent 08-12-2011 at 10:30 pm:

Heyyyyyy guys,

Just thought I'd let you know, I'm going to be spending the week in the Okanagan. Don't worry about it, though! I've got a post all ready to go on everything that happened this weekend!

 

Peace,

-G

Sent 08-13-2011 at 8:00 am:

Uh, Gareth...you know the weekend hasn't actually happened yet, right?

-Aaron

Sent 08-13-2011 at 8:01 am:

Hello Sir or Madam,

This is an automated reply; Mr. Simpson will be out of town on the week of August 14th. He will respond to you as soon as he gets back. 

Cheers!

-Skynet

Blackburn 0 - 3 Wolverhampton

 

  • I feel bad for Blackburn fans. Everyone knows they're a joke, slumping their way to relegation. The last thing they needed was Karl Henry giving [Editor: star player....oh God, who is Blackburn's star player?] a studs-up tackle to the cerebral cortex. 
  • Mick McCarthy was out of line when he celebrated the victory by brutally murdering a chicken. Nobody needs to see that, least of all those impressionable Lancashire youths.
  • I hope Junior Hoilett never scores a goal until he finally declares for Canada. Besides, it's not like we have any qualms about picking strikers who can't score.

 

Fulham 1 - 1 Aston Villa

 

  • Well, Darren Bent scored. Has anyone laid odds on the date at which an Aston Villa player not named Darren Bent will score a goal? I'll take the 40th of Neveruary. 
  • My favourite part of this match was when Steve Sidwell managed to shin one several yards over the open net. Miss you too, Sidders!
  • If this ever becomes a derby match, we have to call it "Mark Hughes' Terrible Mistake." If there's a professional manager with worse timing than him, I don't know who it is.

 

Liverpool 3 - 1 Sunderland

 

  • Anyone have Steven Gerrard's number? I feel like I haven't seen him in ages. At what point do we have to file a missing person report? Can anyone do a Bill Simmons voice and just yell "Ewing Theory" over and over? Great, I'll take one of those. 
  • [REDACTED BY EDITOR: Gareth, you can't just say Steven Gerrard looted a record store just to take all of their Phil Collins records. They have really strict libel laws in England.]
  • I hope Steve Bruce never gets fired, because seeing that wax face get all red and droopy after a loss fills my heart with joy. I do feel bad for Asamoah Gyan, though. Missing a penalty is bad enough, but having Luis Suarez ask Pepe Reina "if he needed any help with that" was just piling on.

 

QPR 1 - 2 Bolton Wanderers

 

  • It's good to see that Nigel Reo-Coker finally got out of England to play his football. I mean, not enough English players go to play in foreign leagues, and I feel like Reo-Coker will do England proud out there in Italy, and he'll be a better man for it. [Editor: Gareth, Bolton is in England. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that.]
  • Adel Tarrabt is the Moroccan Garrincha. He is also the Moroccan Pele, and the Moroccan El Hadji Diouf. Not a lot of Moroccans play football, really.
  • Neil Warnock went a bit mental in a Carling Cup match against Aston Villa a couple of years ago. He's more than just an awful nose attached to a person, I'm telling you.

 

Wigan Athletic 0 - 4 Norwich City

 

  • I have to say, I didn't expect Norwich to repeat Blackpool's opening-day shellacking from last season, but I was pleasantly surprised to see Canadian International Simeon Jackson bag a hat-trick on his Premier League debut. 
  • Fortunately, any good will I had towards Wigan ebbed away after Dave Whelan started shooting his mouth off this summer. Ultimately, one of these two teams will likely be relegated this year. Whoever it is, I hope we hire their manager.
  • I like Norwich, and I want them to win a lot of games, if only so I don't have to hear a bunch of terrible jokes about canaries dying in mines.

 

Newcastle United 0 - 0 Arsenal

 

  • Well, I wouldn't imagine Newcastle were as excited about this as the last time they managed to eke a draw against Arsenal at home. 
  • Personally, I'm looking forward to Arsene Wenger replenishing his midfield depth by signing Robert Pires to a long-term deal. He won't even have to move out of his house in London. 
  • This match was really soured, for me, by the absence of Barcelona-bound midfield dynamo Joey Barton.

 

Stoke City 0 - 1 Chelsea

 

  • I fear Andre Villas-Boas really has a lot to learn about the Premier League if he thinks he can put Fernando Torres back on the pitch after subbing him off just because he wants Torres to take a penalty. That may be how things work in Portugal, VB, but that nonsense does not fly in the English Premier League! 
  • However, it was impressive that Chelsea was able to get it done in the Wet & Windy Night Stadium. You won't see Messi and co. do that anytime soon! [Editor: Unless Barcelona drop into the Europa League. In which case you will definitely see that.]
  • Tony Pulis is a fearsome man. I bet that cap he always wears is the only thing keeping all of hell's demons from escaping and wreaking havoc on Earth. It's like Pandora's Box with a brim.

 

West Bromwich Albion 2 - 3 Manchester United

"Manchester United is the second best team in the world!"

- Alex Ferguson and a bunch of people who have never heard of Real Madrid

 

  • It was nice to see Ex-Canadian Ex-International Owen Hargreaves and his Ex-Knee Joints in the stands for this game. I really hope he can get it together enough to come on for a bit and then miss loads of games for a team that's a bit closer to his current level.
  • I know he had a rough time with Liverpool, but Roy Hodgson is such an irresistibly likable man. I hope he gets the England job when Fabio Capello quits and Harry Redknapp goes to prison for tax evasion. [Editor: Gareth! How many times do I have to tell you about libel laws?!] 

 

Manchester City 4 - 3 Swansea City

 

  • Game of the weekend, right here. Sure, it was on a Monday, but you know I'm right.
  • I think Swansea City will be this year's Blackpool, by which I mean they have an overrated midfielder and a manager who kind of seems like a dick. They do play entertaining football, though. 
  • Good to see both Sergio Aguero and Mario Balotelli get on the scoresheet in this one. I don't think the dueling prodigies have enough for a title challenge this year, but they definitely have enough to star as Mozart and Salieri in a remake of Amadeus.
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