7500List: 10 Creative Solutions for Aston Villa's Scoring Drought

IRMINGHAM, ENGLAND - OCTOBER 16: "Put him up front and tell him he's Pele!" Richard Dunne, the solution to Aston Villa's problem. (Photo by Michael Regan/Getty Images)

I think it's pretty much common knowledge by now that our beloved Aston Villa is going through a bit of a dry patch, as far as goals are concerned. Since putting three past Rob Green on the opening day of the season (a feat rendered less impressive when West Ham conceded three each to Bolton, Manchester United, and Chelsea in the following weeks, and even less impressive when you consider that one of our goalscorers on that day is no longer with the club), Villa has only scored six goals in eight matches. Of those eight, the only match in which we scored more than one was in the 2-1 away win over Wolves, who look destined for relegation. So how are we going to fix this? Well, I've got some ideas, and if you happen to have Gerard Houllier's e-mail address, feel free to forward this along.

  1. Put Richard Dunne up front, because he's clearly the only Villan with an eye for goal.
  2. Sign Wayne Rooney. Not because he's a prolific striker, but because I'm attempting a ludicrous double entendre that's sure to get me a job at the Daily Mail.
  3. Reconstruct Stephen Ireland's ankle so that the bit of his foot that keeps pushing his shots wide points a little closer towards goal. 
  4. Injure the out-of-form Stilyan Petrov so we can find room in the starting lineup for Steve Sidwell's thunderous right foot. Oh, wait, never mind.
  5. Convince David Ginola that coming out of retirement to rejoin Aston Villa and score loads of goals will finally get him out of Gerard Houllier's doghouse.
  6. Use Randy Lerner's Ohioan connections to acquire Columbus Crew's in-form striker Will Hesmer. At least I think he's a striker. I don't pay much attention to MLS.
  7. Force Stephen Ireland to grow his hair out. With Brad Friedel on the roster, we've already got enough bald men keeping the ball out of the net.
  8. Find out what could be causing Gabriel Agbonlahor's groin problems.
  9. Send a search party to Cyprus to find out if John Carew left his talent when he was out there on international duty.
  10. Convince Stewart Downing that he's actually fellow ex-Middlesbrough winger Adam Johnson.
Those are only a few of my many well-considered and practical ideas. Feel free to share some of your own in the comments.
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